ahoshi!
by selandora
Summary: Because Lambo can't have Colonello and eat Reborn too. Home-tutoring shouldn't be this sensual. /TYL!ColoLamboReborn, yamagoku
1. prologue: don't take your cows to market

I'm sure there are hundreds of naïve people worldwide who have never stopped to consider the actual standards of professionals. That's the thing with people nowadays, they hear the world 'professional' and they're all in a hurry to kowtow to someone (probably wearing a black fedora with a vomit-orange ribbon tied around it, but this is all totally unbiased speculation) and their supposed skill in a trade.

To be honest, I think the whole practice makes no sense.

You can't just slap a P-R-O-F-E-S-S-I-O-N-A-L sticker on any idiot in the street and presume that his supposed talent will meet the high standards of modern day society. So say, you hire one professional plumber who manages to unclog your toilet. There's probably another professional plumber out there who'll unclog your toilet _in addition_ to expertly casting some voodoo plumber magic on the chunk of boring porcelain so that it smells like Kyoko-san's tropical shampoo, no matter what unspeakable things you do to it.

The same goes for hitmen. You get some guys who are so ridiculously powerful that when you come within a twenty meter radius of them, you automatically shit yourself. Then there are other curly-sideburned idiots who just think they're ridiculously powerful.

Now, being a professional hitman of the former standard, I ate guys of the latter on a day to day basis. The fact that I had never been given an assignment showed that Vongola understood my capabilities, and that he was actually waiting for one that would suit my enormous talent. I could see him now, batting aside assignment after assignment with a world-weary look in his scotch eyes, _When will I ever find a mission good enough for Bovino Lambo, my most trusted and powerful guardian-_

"Lambo, I want you to accompany Gokudera and Yamamoto on their assignment to assassinate the Lorenzo Famiglia's drug dealer," Vongola's calm voice pierced me like a gunshot.

I stared at him in shock.

Unaware of my minor mental breakdown, he continued, "His name is Paolo Lorenzo and he's surrounded by a team of elite bodyguards at all times. You'll be going to a butchery in Venice which he uses as a cover to store his drugs, and then you'll assassinate him when he comes to check on his goods-"

"Juudaime, I really think you should reconsider," a ghastly voice interrupted.

It belonged to a pathetic lower being, with limp white hair and watery blue eyes that screamed pansy. Gokudera Hayato was a prime example of an incompetent hitman. He directly contrasted his partner, Yamamoto (aka. the man who can do no wrong) who stood beside him.

Gokudera blurted hotly, "Firstly, we need to take into consideration that the stupid cow is more or less useless in battle. Secondly, he can't control his Dying Will flames or his box weapon and he's more likely to fry us than do us any good. And thirdly, he's a pain in the ass."

"Maa, maa, Gokudera, that's not nice," Yamamoto interrupted, his trademark smile matching his crinkled crescent moon eyes.

It took me a moment to realise that he had not disagreed with Gokudera.

Bristling, Gokudera snapped, "I don't remember Juudaime asking your opinion, baseball idiot."

Yeah, well I didn't remember anyone asking his either.

Ignoring the squabbling couple, Vongola addressed me directly and asked, "Are you comfortable with this assignment, Lambo?"

I paused to think this over. A hitman of my ability shouldn't take any wily-nily mission thrown at him, a professional hitman like myself would let other lesser hitmen take the job to earn more experience. My decision to refuse Vongola's kind offer was completely unrelated to the fact that:

- I was as subtle as Ryohei when he had too much alcohol.

- The word 'assassinate' unfortunately did not exist in my dictionary. Neither did the words 'drug dealer' and 'spicy tofu'.

- The assignment would take place in a butchery: a place where cows were hacked to gory pieces by big, sharp, pointy things.

I ventured evasively, "What about I-Pin? She's got the whole crouching tiger hidden dragon thing going on and that's really what this assignment requires, right?"

"You're the last resort, cow. She's on a mission with Chrome," Gokudera supplied nastily.

Yamamoto winked winningly. He reassured me, "Don't worry, our mission's twice as fun as theirs."

I tried to prevent my eyeballs from leaping out of their sockets. "Maybe Gokudera's right, maybe I shouldn't go with you guys-"

Yamamoto flashed me one of his super smiles. "If Tsuna believes you can do it Lambo, then I believe you can do it too. Just have a little faith in yourself. And if anything goes wrong, you have the two of us to help you out."

I could feel my resolve cracking with the weight of his awesomeness. His words and his blinding smile were all too much for me. The choice I'd made began to uncertainly sway between yes and no, yes and no, yes and no-

Vongola delivered the finishing blow, "I trust you, Lambo."

All three pairs of eyes in the room were fixed on me- I ignored Gokudera's spiteful glare of death and focused on the trusting, hopeful eyes of Yamamoto and Vongola. The two of them really believed in me. I couldn't let them down.

"I…I'll do it," I told them a little breathlessly.

A starburst smile split across Vongola's gentle face. "It's settled then. I'll be waiting for your report."

Gokudera began, "I'm telling you, this is a huge mistake-"

Yamamoto began carting us out of the Vongola's simple study, throwing another super smile over his shoulder at Vongola. "Bye, Tsuna!"

"Good luck!"

The gigantic study door boomed shut behind us.

Thus commenced my very first assignment. The nervous flutter of anticipation and excitement that came with the thrill of a new adventure committed ritual suicide the moment I laid eyes on Yamamoto's car early the next morning.

Nausea set in my stomach quickly. "We're…driving to Venice?"

Gokudera guffawed, "What, you think the Juudaime would really waste his money on plane tickets?"

Weakly, I asked, "How long is the drive?"

"About eight hours. If we drive fast, we should be there in time for dinner," Gokudera explained, a malicious smile forming on his lips.

Yamamoto noticed that I had turned a very unearthly shade of green at the mention of food and driving in the same sentence. He quietly proffered me a handful of plastic bags and I had never been so thankful for his thoughtfulness.

It wasn't that I suffered from motion sickness. I was a talented hitman with only one flaw- that I didn't know the extent of my own strength. Something as stupid as a car journey did not frighten me in the least.

The moment the engine roared like a wild beast, I pressed myself deep into the cheap, grey velvet car seat as though I would sink into it and never come out again. With a loud sigh, Gokudera cranked a hidden lever on the side of his chair and it collapsed suddenly on my knees, causing me to start nervously. Yamamoto adjusted his rear view mirror and flashed a super smile at me; it soothed me fractionally.

Then, he began to drive.

Like everything he did, he drove amazingly well. But even if he'd been my chauffeur in a limousine, I still would have felt just as ill as I did now. I had always suffered from motion sickness, it was no secret in the Famiglia after an incident involving Gokudera, Haru's tuna casserole and inhuman amounts of Lysol. I resisted looking out of the window, knowing the moving scenery would only make me feel even worse. The plastic bag Yamamoto had given me was clenched in my right hand like a lifeline.

Gokudera sighed again and rolled down his window. I winced as the cold air smacked me across the cheeks, but he remained deliberately oblivious. He tapped out a slender cigarette from a leather case and then proceeded to light it. He took an inhumanely long drag from it before releasing it all expertly in a jet of bluish white smoke. The bitter smell reached me in the back of the car and I nearly gagged into the plastic bag.

"If you fuck this up cow, I'll make sure you're blacklisted by every Famiglia and that you never go on another mission again," Gokudera threatened, tapping his cigarette ash outside the open window. The tiny, glowing particles were ripped away by the wind, much like my resolve.

"Maa, maa, Gokudera, I told you to stop bullying Lambo," Yamamoto chided him, turning the steering wheel with one finger.

"I'm not bullying him, I'm just reminding him how important this assignment is. If you screw it up and we don't get the reward money, I'll make sure you pay through the nose for it for the rest of your life. Got it?"

The car shuddered as we started to drive along an ill-maintained road. I inhaled sharply as I felt my breakfast tango in my stomach.

Yamamoto immediately noticed something was wrong. "You okay back there?"

"I'm…fine-"

The car spasmed as we struck a pothole. I veered forwards violently and retched.

"In the bag, stupid cow! Vomit in the bag!"

* * *

After a chaotic eight hour car ride and an extra pack of cigarettes on Gokudera's behalf, we somehow managed to come to a stop in front of our assigned five star hotel, _La Senza_. The car smelled strongly of ramen flavoured vomit. Gokudera looked as though he had aged twenty years. I didn't think there was any fluid left in my body.

Meanwhile, Yamamoto laughed brightly.

Gokudera glared at him, got out of the car and slammed the door furiously behind him. We watched as he stormed away towards the revolving doors and smashed through them, causing them to spin violently in a mini tornado. He had left his bags for us to carry and somehow, I wasn't surprised. Yamamoto sighed and unbuckled his seatbelt with a loud click.

I shifted and the heavy, putrid liquid in the plastic bag slosh, slosh, sloshed. "I'm really sorry, Yamamoto-san. I'll buy you an air freshener and pay for a hazardous materials team to come in."

He blinked in surprise. "Huh? Oh, it's fine. I've got a whole stash of those in the glove compartment already."

"Wow, I didn't think your glove compartment was habitable."

His eyes crinkled and he grinned. "I meant the air fresheners. I keep them to get rid of the smell of Gokudera's cigarettes."

"Are you a typical pine-scented kind of guy?"

"Nah, they're jasmine."

"…isn't that a bit feminine?"

"Really? Gokudera chose them for me," he said offhandedly.

Before I could wrap my head around why Gokudera would do such a thing, the Yamamoto was out of the car and opening the boot of the car. I tagged along behind him, my plastic bag gripped in my right hand, and we stared at the masses of suitcases crammed into it like refugees.

Only the small leather duffel bag trapped beneath a massive, sleek black one belonged to me. "Are those all ours?"

"Well, most of them are Gokudera's."

My eyes narrowed at the suitcase crushing mine in suspicion. "So many?"

"Yeah. He likes bringing clothes around."

"_Yare, yare. _I know it's horribly prejudiced for people to associate well dressed men with homosexuality, but do you ever wonder if Gokudera swings that way sometimes?"

"I can't explain the girly scents, but I do think he cares too much about the way he dresses."

"Yeah. It's not like he has anyone to look good for anyways," I reasoned, grinning.

The smile Yamamoto directed at me was one I'd never seen on him; a sly, amused one. It transformed him from a comic book superhero to something darker, more dangerous. The glint of his teeth through his smirk seemed almost predatory and sexual all at the same time. I could feel an army of goosebumps rising defensively all over my exposed arms and back of my neck.

He bent over the array of bags then, leaving me to wonder if he was actually a rapist in disguise.

Now that I thought about it, it would make sense. Up until now, I thought that rage, danger and sensuality were things that Yamamoto was totally incapable of expressing. But now I realised that all of it had to go somewhere- beneath his awesome exterior and nonchalant laugh lay a beastly porn star in waiting.

Yamamoto swung three bags onto each shoulder (including mine) and then dragged two suitcases big enough to fit eight toddlers into behind him. He kicked his foot up high and brought it down on the top of the open boot; it shut with a loud, satisfying click. This explained the numerous dents in the metal that I'd been too afraid to ask about before.

As he began to stride towards the hotel lobby effortlessly, I ran to catch up with him. "You know, I can take some of those."

"Nah, it's fine Lambo. Just go inside and – um – find a place to throw out that plastic bag."

I flushed involuntarily and the smell of dead dinosaur wafted up from the plastic bag on cue. We both stared at the sludgy liquid for a couple of seconds before I eventually tore my devastated eyes away from it and entered the revolving doors of doom.

As I stepped into it, the doors seemed to suddenly move faster and my left leg was left trapped on the other side. I swore loudly and flailed like a chicken with my sick bag, trying to yank it back out, but I only succeeded in twisting my ankle. After a few more minutes of a sadistic game of push and pull, a bemused bell boy came over and eventually helped me free myself. He said something to me, but it wouldn't have mattered even if he'd told me I left two toes behind on the other side of the door.

I had walked into paradise. I limped gingerly forwards as my brain dissolved into slush. I craned my neck upwards, walking around with my mouth hanging open as I stared at the high ceiling that was painted to look just like the sky outside. At the moment, it was clouded over with the colours of midnight and twinkling stars winked down at me as they simmered in their hydrogen casings.

Smoky marble pillars arced up to the sky, each carved to perfection, and men and women dressed in the latest high street fashion glided through the lobby. Jewels glistened, brogues gleamed and perfectly painted lips curved into Hollywood smiles. I stared down at my own embarrassing black slacks and cow-print shirt. If I'd known there was a dress code for this whole shindig, I would've come more prepared.

After discarding my vomit in a silver bin, I scanned the area for Yamamoto and Gokudera. Past the antique tea house and its lattice chairs, past the artificial oasis and the colourful ornament shop stood an impressive counter, inlaid with white and gold decorations. A huge sign, _Concierge_, hung over it and I approached one end where Yamamoto was using his charms to knock the receptionist off her size 37 feet. Strangely enough, Gokudera looked even angrier than he had back in the car.

Yamamoto turned to me and held up a pristine card key like the Olympic torch, but Gokudera snatched it from him and stormed ahead again. He let out a loud 'oomph' as Gokudera smashed all the air out of his lungs in a not-so-accidental bash against his shoulder on his departure.

"You know, I didn't think it was possible for a man to be so menstrual," I observed.

Yamamoto didn't laugh. "He'll be fine once the assignment is over. It's just a matter of holding out until then."

The low din of a blaring TV was clearly audible through our thick room door and we finally entered, bemused. Although Gokudera had only been ahead of us by a couple of seconds, the room already smelled like cigarettes, he had claimed the massive sofa and was enraptured with the latest developments on the Discovery Channel.

I noticed with a shudder that it was a documentary about bull fighting.

The hotel room was a super duper deluxe suite (courtesy of Yamamoto's people skills) and there were a series of doors that led off in various directions. Everything seemed so modern and I was terrified to touch anything- I didn't think I could even afford the toilet paper.

"Stupid cow," Gokudera called my name and my head cracked in his direction. "You're taking the bedroom next to the bathroom."

I glanced towards it, making out the corner of my new bed through the crack of the door. That was actually a better deal than I'd expected, I thought I'd be getting the couch.

Yamamoto put the masses of bags down and the couch supported him as he rested on it. "Where am I sleeping then, Gokudera?"

"_You're_ sleeping on the couch."

"What about you?"

"_I'm_ sleeping in the king-sized bed."

Yamamoto looked like someone had kicked his puppy. I almost felt like giving him my bed.

The tension between them was so thick, you could have cut it with Yamamoto's razor sharp teeth. I swallowed, wishing I had an air raid shelter to dive into, but did the next best thing.

I cleared my throat. "I'm going to take a dump."

Neither Gokudera nor Yamamoto responded. Gokudera was too busy glaring at (not watching) the TV screen, while Yamamoto eyed Gokudera with a worried frown.

Realising I wouldn't get an answer from either of them, I retreated into the bathroom. I had learned through years of experience that pretending to need the bathroom was the most effective way to avoid awkward situations. As I shut the bathroom door, I glimpsed my own reflection in the mirror and realised there was a zit on my chin.

Where the hell had that come from?

I leaned forwards, beginning to press it as the intense dilemma not three metres away from me faded into the recesses of my mind. My brow furrowed in concentration and I grit my teeth to help me withstand the pain as my nails bit into the raw red skin.

Yamamoto's voice filtered through the door, "What's the matter with you?"

I nearly scratched my chin off in surprise at his gentle tone.

"Nothing. Why?" Gokudera asked in a tight voice. I could hear the buttons on the remote scream as he crushed them beneath his thumb.

"Look I don't know what I did to piss you off, but I'm sorry."

"There's no point in apologising if you don't know what you're apologising for."

"Well then, can you help me out please?"

"Why don't you call the concierge and ask that receptionist for the answer? I'm sure she'd fucking know."

"Is that what this is about?"

A sharp pause followed.

"Look, Hayato, I didn't mean anything by it. I was just trying to get her to bump us up to a better room."

"You know what, just fuck off."

I pressed my ear against the door and strained to listen to their argument. It wasn't making that much sense right now, I was waiting for some kind of clue-

**KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.**

I winced at the loud, sudden banging on the door and took a step backwards. There was a shrieking slap as the bare ball of my foot came into heavy contact with the marble flooring and then a devastatingly short silence.

Gokudera snarled, "Get the hell out of there and stop eavesdropping, stupid cow."

* * *

I had been exiled from the hotel room until further notice; Gokudera and Yamamoto were supposedly planning our strategy for tomorrow. In bitter retaliation, I managed to convince a waitress in the restaurant downstairs that I was eighteen and charge an entire stupidly expensive bottle of Moet & Chambrandt champagne to our room tab. She didn't need that much convincing (this was Italy after all), but it was only afterwards that I realised glumly that Gokudera probably wouldn't be paying for the room- Vongola would be.

Before I could raise my hand to cancel the order, she appeared like the invisible man at my side with a newly opened bottle. I cursed her efficiency, but somehow managed to keep the smile on my face as she poured the diamond liquid into an impressive cylindrical glass.

"Would you like anything else, sir?" she asked me with a polite, obviously trained, smile.

I smiled back at her. "A hug would be nice right about now, but I guess the sexual harassment case isn't worth it, huh?"

Her artificial waitress smile morphed into one of genuine sympathy. "Having a bad day?"

I leaned back in my chair. "Yeah. The assholes up in my room decided to throw me out while they practise witchcraft and sacrifice babies to Satan. I guess it's probably better for me in the long run, but still, I would've liked to watch."

Her painted pink lips twitched in amusement. "Probably, but you look like you'd be too young to handle something of that level."

"According to the sign over there that says 'No alcohol for persons under the age of 18' and this glass of champagne here that you poured me personally, I'm apparently eighteen years old."

"How old are you really, kid?"

"Will you take away my alcohol if I tell you?"

She pulled out the empty chair beside me and sat down, throwing her onyx hair over one shoulder. All signs of her professional reservation were gone and I was now sitting across from a confident, sexy, older woman. "I don't know. Try to persuade me."

"_Yare, yare_. That sounds risky."

"Humour me. I've been working since nine this morning and served twelve people in ten hours, eleven of whom I wanted to throttle. You're the only person in this entire place who seems remotely human."

"Well, since you asked so nicely, I'm turning seventeen. And I'm called Lambo, by the way."

"So you're sixteen, Lambo."

"Please don't take my booze. Age means nothing when it comes to true love."

She laughed at that and I took another drag from my glass, enjoying our banter. I didn't think my alcohol was in danger any time soon, but I still gripped the glass protectively.

I asked her, "So tell me, what's your name and how old are you?"

"Sorry, I don't date younger guys."

"Yeah, because knowing your name and age practically constitutes sex," I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

She laughed again and tucked her hair behind one ear. She relented, "My name's Isabella and I'm nineteen. You know, you're quite mature for your age, Lambo."

"Tell that to the guys upstairs. The only reason I'm drinking this is because they're paying the bill."

There was a quiet swish as an elderly couple entered the restaurant, fur coats sweeping the floor as they seated themselves beside the lavish buffet table. Isabelle rose to her feet reluctantly and hesitated, glancing down at me. After a few seconds, she bent down and wrapped her arms around me. As she did so, she slipped the champagne bottle to me beneath the table.

"Maybe dating a younger man wouldn't be so bad," she murmured into my ear.

Then she rose again, the suggestion of a smirk on her lips. "Thank you for your service, sir."

As she sashayed away, I stared at the bottle of champagne in my lap in disbelief. Then, I downed what was left of my glass and refilled it with a grin.

After another half an hour in the restaurant, I returned to the hotel room with a half-full bottle of champagne. Luckily for me, I'd been born with natural Italian tolerance for alcohol so I could still walk properly. My nerves were buzzing pleasantly beneath my skin and I could feel the happy glow of free wine radiating from me like UV rays. I hummed tunelessly along to the elevator music, tapping my foot in time even when other guests joined me. I pulled out my room key when I reached my door, sliding it into the narrow slit and sliding it out again dramatically. The light blinked green like a traffic light and I entered.

The sitting room was deserted. Traces of Gokudera's cigarettes lingered in the ash tray. Neither Yamamoto nor Gokudera were anywhere to be found. I set the bottle down on the coffee table and glanced around.

There was a muffled noise emanating from behind Gokudera's shut bedroom door. I ventured forwards, wondering if I should crash their strategic discussion. My fingers wrapped around the doorknob and I frowned. I was a part of the team, wasn't I? I had all the right to be a part of any planning, in fact, I should have been there from the start.

Still, Gokudera could be fucking scary sometimes.

I decided to be cautious and quietly turned the doorknob. I spent all of ten seconds rotating it to be certain of no sound.

…_seven. Eight. Nine. Ten-_

A sliver of light emerged from a crack in the door and I peered through it. I couldn't see anything, but the noises were growing louder and louder, clearer and clearer. The sound of panting was unmistakable and punctured the silence of the sitting room, so did the jarring sound of slapping wet flesh. Then came a voice I recognised.

"_Fucking hell_, you're so tight."

I pushed open the door another inch. Just to make sure Gokudera wasn't in trouble or anything.

At first, the bright lights from the window blinded me and I couldn't make out what was happening inside the room. The visual wall of white eventually faded into a scene I don't think any amount of pornography would have prepared me for.

A thin sheen of sweat had formed on the tan, rippling muscles of a corded back and pale hands were clenched in the bed sheets like a lifeline until its knuckles bled white from the pleasure. Dark washboard abs tensed and relaxed, tensed and relaxed as hips pounded mercilessly forwards into the curve of a flawless ass. I stared as a bead of lucid sweat streamed from the strong cut of a collarbone, over an erect coffee nipple and all the way down to rest in a thatch of dark, curled hair. I swallowed.

Yamamoto was fucking Gokudera deep into his mattress.

Gokudera let out a long moan as he threw his head back, silver strands plastered to his face with perspiration as his lips parted hungrily for air. He gasped, "It's your fault, you went on that month long mission and I-"

He was cut off as Yamamoto ground his hips into his ass hard. He instinctively cried out and then bit viciously into his pillow, his hands wringing themselves in the sheets. The fleeting smirk I'd seen on Yamamoto's face earlier returned but in full force, his mouth curving upwards into cruel satisfaction.

His long, calloused fingers wrapped themselves one by one around Gokudera's throbbing length and Gokudera's entire body tensed as he fought not to moan. Low grunts slipped from Yamamoto's lips as his hands tightened on Gokudera's hips, pulling them back to him with every thrust forwards, until he finally threw his head backwards.

For a split second, there was perfect silence and stillness; as though every molecule in the room had stopped moving. The sweat on Yamamoto's face caught the light and glimmered, nearly blinding me as he gritted his teeth and his eyes shut in a state of unbridled ecstasy. The moment seemed to last an eternity and I couldn't tear my gaze away from his hypnotic expression.

Then Gokudera moved his arm. There was a rustle of fabric as he jostled the sheets and I returned to reality. As quickly and as silently as I could, I shut their bedroom door and glanced down at my painfully tight pants.

It was clearly time for a cold shower.

* * *

Gokudera's eyes - _no longer clouded over as his head slid back in ecstasy_ - were as clear and as sharp as cut aquamarine and one slender finger stroked the bridge of his nose before pushing his glasses further up his nose. The tip of his tongue traced the outline of his mouth, leaving a translucent sheen on his bruised lips.

Yamamoto shifted and his tight dress shirt clung to his body like a second skin, rippling as his toned muscles flexed. I could make out the vaguest outline of his defined abs, but tore my eyes away and tried not to look down at the now blatantly obvious bulge in his pants.

It was impossible to look at Yamamoto and Gokudera and not think about the two of them screwing like bunnies. All of my efforts were directed towards maintaining a straight face and it was draining me of all my energy.

I had spent the past hour and a half in the shower trying to scrub the memory out of me, but then Gokudera (_with his slender white fingers that had last been wrapped around a-_) knocked on the door and had shouted at me to come out for an assignment briefing. In between the fucking and the screaming, Gokudera and Yamamoto had managed to find time to come up with an actual plan. I would have been impressed by this, if I had actually been listening to what they were telling me and not imagining Gokudera bent over the table.

"Oi. Stupid cow_. _Are you listening?" Gokudera's livid voice cut through my thoughts.

- **fuck – Takeshi – not there **_as he hissed and twisted and _moaned -

Quicker than was necessary, I blurted, "Yeah. Yeah, I'm listening."

"Oh yeah? Then what's your role in the mission?" he quizzed me, fully expecting me to fail.

"I have to give you the signal when the target comes around the cock. I mean, the corner."

It took me all of my willpower not to dive for the window.

Gokudera raised an eyebrow, but ignored my slip up. "And how are you going to do that?"

"You're going to be hiding in a freezer in the storage room of the butchery. So I'm going to go to the back and bang you hard," I finished.

"What?"

I corrected myself hurriedly, "Bang on the freezer door hard. I'm going to bang on the freezer door hard to let you know the target is coming. But not coming as in _coming_, as in releasing sperm, but as in walking around the cock –**corner** -"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Gokudera demanded, unamused.

I flushed bright red in embarrassment. "I don't know."

Gokudera took off his sexretary glasses and glared pointedly at me. He snapped, "If you're not taking this seriously, you can just stay in the hotel room."

"No! No, I'm taking this very seriously. I'm sorry," I apologised hastily, fidgeting.

"Come on, Gokudera. He's a teenage boy, he's probably just sexually frustrated. I'm sure you remember what that was like when we were younger," Yamamoto defended me.

His smile had never scared me more.

For a reason I unfortunately knew all too well, Gokudera seemed to have become miles more agreeable in the past three hours. He sighed loudly and relented, "Fine, stupid cow. Just don't do it again."

"Got it. No more screwing anyone. I mean, around."

…it was going to be a long day.

* * *

I had found my sexual deterrent.

Huge slabs of dead cow dripped as they dangled from the metal pins they had been speared with. I couldn't drag my eyes away from the blood as it oozed out of them in thick, crimson trickles. Symbolism was such a pain in the ass.

We were in position at the butchery. The way the assassination was going to work was like this: Yamamoto was going to pose as a butcher and let Paolo Lorenzo and his cronies into the store. He was then going to lead them into the backroom (I would have already alerted Gokudera at this point and returned to the car outside) where the freezer was situated. Gokudera would be hiding in the freezer so the moment Paolo opened the freezer, he would be surrounded by Gokudera and Yamamoto on either side. Yamamoto would then samurai slash them into the underworld, then we'd all leave and live happily ever after.

I was a bit miffed that I wouldn't be able to join in the action. I'd been training for a while now and I sincerely believed I was ready to participate in a proper fight. As I sulked, Yamamoto (already clad in his disguise) smiled at me.

"Why don't you go out back and check on Gokudera?" he suggested.

He pulled on a plastic glove and it snapped with a crack as he released it, ricocheting against his skin. He didn't flinch because Yamamoto didn't feel pain.

I trudged into the backroom reluctantly. The place really freaked me out, I had never seen an execution chamber before but I was absolutely certain this was a prime example. The walls, ceiling and floor were made of stainless steel and an array of butcher's knives hung from the walls. A series of pots glared at me from their position on a massive operating-table-like-structure in the centre of the room and I approached the open freezer door.

"What the hell are you doing here? Get back in front," Gokudera snapped at me irritably.

He was sitting on one of the many piles of white boxes that crowded the tiny cold room. It was a wonder Gokudera had any room. I was guessing that Paolo Lorenzo was funding his next swimming pool project in four different countries with the money from this stash.

My eyes roved over the boxes as I wondered what was mainly inside them: hash, cocaine, LSD-

**-oh my god, hickey.**

At the base of Gokudera's collarbone was a purpling love bite the size of a one Euro coin. I didn't know how I'd manage to miss it, or (my eyes were widening to dinner plates) the small trail of marks that followed it. It was like following the yellow brick road to the Emerald City, only the road was a terrifying shade of purple and led to the inevitable meltdown of my brain.

I followed them down his long neck, along his delicate clavicle, beneath the open collar of his shirt and I thought of Yamamoto's hot mouth on all of those places, sucking and biting and licking the flawless porcelain skin-

"Oi, are you listening to me? I said get back in the front," Gokudera's annoying voice dragged me from my reverie.

A sudden draft of icy air from the freezer shocked me into functional, sarcastic thought. "I wouldn't be here if Yamamoto hadn't asked me to come keep you company. He seems to think you're lonely, but clearly, you're doing quite fine on your own."

Gokudera scoffed, "Tell that baseball idiot I don't need his pity and that all I want is a fucking cigarette."

"Then smoke one."

"I can't smoke here, stupid cow. If I did, the target and his bodyguards would smell it and get suspicious. Nobody's meant to be back here."

My mouth fell into an understanding 'oh'. Then an awkward silence fell between us.

You know, Gokudera could have been a supermodel, if the whole assassinating thing hadn't worked out for him. He definitely had the face for it; skin as unflawed as ice, sharp cheekbones that invited wandering gazes to trace their elegant angles, eyes the shade of antifreeze-

A voice called out from the front of the shop, "Lambo?"

I jerked at the sound of Yamamoto shouting my name and shuddered as I remembered he'd been shouting a very different name just a few hours earlier. It took me a couple of seconds to realise that that was my cue to tell Gokudera that Paolo Lorenzo was near.

There was an electrifying crackle and a shower of red light as Gokudera illuminated his Vongola ring. He pulled out his dilapidated looking white box, holding it out with the confident air of someone who'd done so hundreds of times before, and punched the ring into it. A huge metal contraption materialised on his right arm, climbing up his forearm and humming with Dying Will flames as he smirked in excitement.

"Get out of here, stupid cow," Gokudera murmured to me, his eyes bright with the light of his storm flames.

I stared at his Dying Will flames and box weapon. I felt like shrinking into a ball and kicking myself all the way to Japan; it was all kinds of mortifying to watch someone control their Dying Will flames with such ease. Although I was obviously omega competent and didn't need Dying Will flames to break a man's back across my bony knee, I had spent years trying to learn how to control my thunder flames to no success.

I shook my head free of depression and glanced up at Gokudera. He had forgotten about me already and was completely absorbed in his right arm, his eyes taking on a darker sheen that I had only seen in his and Yamamoto's shared bedroom. I instinctively swallowed as the memory swarmed me and my mind dove into the gutter.

Gokudera ran one long fingered hand over his box weapon, tracing the fine dials and intricacies of it with the tenderness and experience of an old lover. He brought it closer to his face for further inspection and I watched as it began to sweat as he exhaled onto it slowly, slowly. A slow smirk spread across his face and his hand closed over the thickest part of it, fingers curling confidently-

"I said, _get out of here,_" he snarled, shattering my illusion.

I jolted and stumbled backwards. Gokudera's arm stretched out to grab me by the front of my shirt and missed, so I careened downwards. At the last minute, I grabbed the handle of the freezer door and yanked it wide open as I balanced myself. Gokudera glared at me as I let out a sigh of relief and I released the door handle.

"Lambo? What are you doing?" Yamamoto called from the front of the shop.

I accidentally smashed my shoulder into the door. It began to swing backwards in slow motion.

My hands lunged out for the door handle but it was too late, the cold metal grazed my fingers and escaped me. Gokudera and I both exchanged looks of complete horror on either side of the doorway and then the door crashed shut.

The room was silent.

"_Open the door, stupid cow," _Gokudera's muffled voice threatened me from the other side of the thick, metal door.

My hands reached out for the handle and I tested it. I regretted never making a will.

"It's locked."

"_What do you mean 'it's locked'?"_

"I meant exactly what I meant. I meant that the door's locked."

Silence.

"...Gokudera? Are you still there?"

"_OF COURSE I'M STILL HERE, YOU FUCKING COW. WHERE ELSE COULD I POSSIBLY GO?"_

"Alright, maybe that was a stupid question. Just, calm down-"

"_THE DRUG DEALER IS GOING TO BE HERE IN LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES AND THE DOOR IS LOCKED. HOW DO WE KILL HIM IF HIS ASSASSIN IS LOCKED IN A MEAT FREEZER?"_

"Yeah, but Yamamoto could also-"

"_**FUCK YAMAMOTO! GET THIS DOOR OPEN NOW!**_"

I retreated from the locked freezer and looked around frantically for a key. There was nothing on the metal table, nothing on the shelves, nothing on the-

_Tinkle tinkle tinkle._

My body went completely rigid as the entrance bell rang. I stared through the doorway connected to the front of the store. Someone had entered the butchery and I caught a glance of four beefy men who looked like they could have built the pyramids with their bare hands. My throat dropped into my stomach and I ran to the freezer door, panicking.

"Gokudera, they're here. Gokudera, what do we do?"

"_Go hide _now_. If they see you, then Takeshi's cover is blown-"_

Yamamoto's bright, cheerful voice reached us in the storage room, "…and I'll just lead you to the back…"

My gaze wildly ravaged the storage room. There was absolutely nowhere to hide, there was no space underneath the table, there were no cupboards to hide in, there was nothing to hide behind. I thought of the meat slabs hanging from hooks outside and began to panic again.

The loud slap of footsteps paralysed me to the ground in fear. I watched like a deer caught in headlights as Yamamoto entered the storage room, the four massive bodyguards and a tiny little man in tow. His expression melted from a smile to a horrified stare.

The tiny man (Paolo Lorenzo, I assumed) squeaked, "Who is this?"

His four bodyguards began cracking their knuckles. I threw my hands up in the air and improvised frantically, "I'm a new employee and I was just checking if everything was alright back here."

Paolo snarled, "You look too weedy and pathetic to work in a place like this. What are you doing back here?"

Yamamoto looked like he was on the verge of smacking himself in the forehead.

"W-well, that's a funny story really-"

"Shoot him," Paolo ordered his bodyguards.

His bodyguards all reached for their guns in perfect synchronisation. My eyes went impossibly wide and I stared at Yamamoto in horror.

People say that the moment before you die, you see your entire life flash before your eyes. This isn't true. The only thing that flashed before my eyes was Reborn's knowing smirk.

I hardly registered that Yamamoto had moved until one of the bodyguards collapsed on the ground. He had drawn his sword in a split second and slashed through the back of his knees, slicing through muscles required to stand. I stared down at the fallen giant in shock.

"What are you standing around for? Start fighting!" Yamamoto shouted at me.

Thankfully, I obeyed my instincts and dove behind the metal table. Bullets ricocheted against the steel ground where I had been standing mere seconds ago. Yamamoto began to face off against three of the bodyguards, his sword whipping through the air like greased lightning as icy flames raced up it.

One of the bodyguards began to lead Paolo towards the entrance of the butchery. They were getting away and I couldn't let that happen. I reached for the first thing I could find on top of the table and threw it as hard as I could at the bodyguard, letting loose a loud battle cry as I did so.

Unfortunately, I missed.

The massive cooking pot hit the doorframe instead and the bodyguard stared down at it in surprise. He bent down and picked it up, inspecting it. He looked up at me and I tensed, prepared for what would come next. Then he threw it at Yamamoto, who was preoccupied with the other three bodyguards, and it smashed him in the back of the head.

Yamamoto fell to the ground, unconscious.

"Shit, Yamamoto!" I shouted.

Then came an anguished scream from the other side of the locked freezer door. _"__**TAAAKESSSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"**_

The freezer door exploded forwards, sailing through the air. It smashed against the open doorway, sealing it off and trapping Paolo Lorenzo inside the storage room. A heady, sweet smell wafted from inside the freezer and I began to feel light-headed; I gripped the side of the table for support. Smoke spilled out of the freezer and through it, I made out the dark silhouette of Gokudera's figure and the crackling, red lightning that surrounded him.

Gokudera had set the meat freezer on fire. Boxes of marijuana lay upended on the ground and they were burning merrily. Gokudera was dangerously high.

I dove to the ground as Gokudera let loose a torrent of storm-flames-missiles upon the bodyguards and they fell like dominoes. A black pistol skidded across the floor and I grabbed it, pulling back the safety and aiming for one of the bodyguards who was about to shoot Yamamoto in the head. I pulled the trigger and my entire body jerked with the sensation as pain ripped up my arm and the bullet smashed into the man's gun, sending it flying away from him. I scrambled over to Yamamoto, dragging him to safety in a safe corner of the room. He began to stir as the sickeningly sweet smell registered in his brain and his eyes fluttered open blurrily.

"Lambo? Wh-what's happening?" he slurred.

Without any warning, I began to laugh uncontrollably. The look on his face was too much, his eyes were half lidded and his mouth was opening and closing, opening and closing wide enough to swallow three countries and everything was so funny, the drugs were burning and nothing was going according to plan and Gokudera was so _high_-

"Lambo? What's wrong?" he asked, shaking me.

Through my fit of hysterical laughter, I managed, "I think- I think I'm high. Not as high as Gokudera though, but I think I'm pretty damn _hiiigh_-"

"Lambo, snap out of it. We need to get out of here-"

I burst into laughter as Gokudera jumped onto the metal table and his head collided with a rack of hanging pots. _CLANG CLANG CLANG _and his silver hair whirled like helicopter propellers as his arms flailed out like chicken wings and everything was hilarious-

"You're such an idiot! How could you hit your head?" I laughed.

He started laughing then too and waved his box weapon around wildly. "Shut up, stupid cow!"

Then he aimed his box weapon right at me. I burst into fits of giggles at the sight of the white leering skulls, long nozzle and the impish red disco lights racing up his arm.

"Your box weapon looks like a penis!" I shouted at him, unable to keep myself from laughing.

Gokudera looked down at it in surprise and then he started grinning, his eyes wide. "You're right! It does!"

The two of us dissolved into fits of hysterics and Yamamoto (the only one totally unaffected by the marijuana because he was _soooperr_) rose to his feet. One of the bodyguards was crawling towards him and I snickered as I aimed my stolen pistol at him, prepared to take him out before he smashed Yamamoto to the floor. As I pulled the trigger, Gokudera threw a cooking pot at my head as hard as he could and my arm went flying.

**BANG.**

I looked around blearily. My head was throbbing and Gokudera's shrill laughter filled the room. Then my vision cleared.

"Yamamoto? What're you doing on the floor?"

Yamamoto was groaning in pain, gripping his bleeding thigh. How'd that happen? How could he be such a silly-billy-willy?

I demanded, "Who hurt you, Super Samurai? Don't worry, I'll get him-"

Yamamoto clenched his teeth and grabbed the pistol from my hand. Then he mercilessly shot Paolo Lorenzo in the head.

* * *

**Next chapter preview:  
hunt for the kateikyoushi!**

"He said that I'm not allowed to go on another assignment until I can come up with a suitable definition for 'teamwork'. I didn't think Vongola was such a corny, clichéd bastard."

"What if I do decide to get a home tutor? Who would I ask?"

"Reborn, my sworn archrival! It is I, Bovino Lambo-"

"_You have five seconds before I shoot you from my window."_

"Do you think it's alright for two men to fuck each other up the ass?"

* * *

**Author's note:**

Hiya, I hope you liked the prologue! I know this was crazily long (20 pages long in size 10 century gothic, if you want to get into specifics) but the following chapters won't be nearly as long. In fact, they'll probably less than half the length of the prologue each.

This is my first time writing for the KHR fandom, but I've been thinking about this story for a while. I don't intend to let it reach an epic length, I'm trying to keep it under 20 chapters. I'll probably update once every three weeks or so. There are going to be lots of lemons in this fic - we're talking about the sex gods Reborn and Colonello here after all - so please brace yourself.

The smexeh scene with Yamamoto and Gokudera was actually meant to be a lot more explicit, but I didn't think ff net would appreciate that. :S If enough people insist, I'll put up harder versions of following lemons on aff net. We get to see a lot more characters in the next chapter, in particular I-Pin and REBORN. :)

**If you liked what you read or have any questions, please drop me a review! **

- _selandora_**  
**


	2. 1: hunt for the kateikyoushi!

**Guide to Lambo and I-Pin's scribbles:**

_If you eat another pork bun, you'll look like Gianini. _– anything in italics is written by Lambo**  
Don't diss. He's a sex god. **– anything in bold is written by I-Pin

* * *

There were only three things that could possibly happen to me now:

1. Vongola would kick me out of the Famiglia and give me a cardboard box to sleep in for the rest of my life.

2. Vongola would let me stay stay in the Famiglia, but my work would be restricted to coffee runs for the ungrateful technicians until I died.

3. Vongola would forgive me, but then sic Gokudera on me.

I had a feeling Gokudera was going to kill me regardless, even if it was technically his fault that Yamamoto had been shot in the leg. Despite his ridiculously high IQ, he was selectively stupid when his pride was at stake.

The sunlight that poured through a massive glass window was blindingly bright and illuminated the features of Vongola Decimo- my only hope for salvation. Gokudera was, as usual, all but connected to him at the hip and Yamamoto was in the hospital. Apparently the bullet that had entered his leg (completely of its own volition) had fractured bone and he was going to have to stay in a cast for a few weeks. Yamamoto was out of action until further notice.

"Lambo shot the baseball idiot, Tenth," Gokudera insisted.

"That isn't technically correct. It was Gokudera's fault Yamamoto-san was shot. He was high on Lorenzo's drug stash and forced me to shoot Yamamoto-san," I swiftly defended myself.

Vongola frowned at Gokudera in confusion. "You were high on the target's drug stash?"

Gokudera flailed for words, "No! No, no I wasn't-"

I interrupted, "You shouldn't lie to Vongola, Gokudera. It might jeopardise your position as right hand man if the truth comes out."

"Are you lying to me, Gokudera?" Vongola asked with a disappointed look that could make angels beat their heads against walls in despair.

"N-no, I'm not. I mean, I _was_ high, but I can explain that-"

Confident of my victory, I pressed him, "Then please do."

Something changed in Gokudera's expression. His eyes glimmered with a predatory light and he turned to Vongola with a pained, confused expression. Somewhere, puppies were committing suicide. My stomach churned in foreboding.

He shrugged and explained in a small voice, "I don't know why, but Lambo locked me in the meat freezer. He wouldn't let me out no matter how many times I asked him to, even when the target arrived. Yamamoto had to fight Lorenzo and his bodyguards all on his own and when I heard that Yamamoto was struggling, I had no choice but to use my box weapon to break the door down. I didn't realise it at the time because I was so worried about saving Yamamoto and Lambo, but my box weapon started a fire in the freezer room and Lorenzo's drug stash began to burn. It really wasn't my fault that I was forced to inhale the fumes."

I was the next victim of Vongola's disappointed stare.

…well, that hadn't turned out quite the way I had hoped it would.

My insides melted into a puddle of incomprehensible goop as his eyebrows knitted together and his hazel eyes glittered with a look that clearly read I-expected-so-much-better-from-you. "I know you don't like Gokudera, Lambo, but that's really no excuse to lock him in a meat freezer. No matter what arguments you have with your partners, when on assignments, you should put all of them aside and work towards success."

Gokudera was nodding sympathetically and I gaped at Vongola. The tables had been turned; I was obviously the one losing this battle. Gokudera, that fucking bastard-

"It was an accident! I didn't mean to lock Gokudera in the meat freezer!" I blurted.

"I know he's always hated me Tenth, but I didn't think he would go as far as to jeopardise the mission. I didn't want to say this, but I think it would be best if you made Lambo wait for a while before he goes on another assignment. It's not his fault that he doesn't have the experience, skill, strength, bravery, intelligence or the maturity required at the moment. I'm sure that everything he is lacking will eventually come in time," Gokudera told him, his eyes shining.

"Thank you for your suggestion, Gokudera, but I would like to speak to Lambo alone right now," Vongola told him, his eyes fixed on me.

Gokudera nodded slowly and retreated from the room. I stared at him in disbelief. As Vongola glanced down at his papers for a split second, Gokudera took the opportunity to flip me the bird. Then he shut the door behind him.

Once Gokudera was gone, I began in a rush, "Vongola, you've got to believe me, that's not really how things happened-"

"Lambo, it's fine," Vongola interrupted me with a smile.

"…what?"

"I knew Gokudera was exaggerating the moment he called you Lambo and not stupid cow."

"Oh."

He explained, "I want to hear your side of the story before I make any decisions. I just want the simple truth."

I had never been more thankful for Vongola's kind personality and super-intuition. I explained the situation to him, free of all crazy embellishments. I gave him the simple truth, and nothing but the truth.

"…and then when Gokudera tried to kill Yamamoto, I single-handedly fought him off with a fork and drove them back to the hotel in an Aston Martin waiting outside," I finished after five minutes.

Vongola's head was in his hands. I guessed even he hadn't expected Gokudera to decapitate that guy's head with his teeth.

"Thank you, Lambo," he mumbled, his voice subdued by the great shock my story had delivered to him. "I think I understand the situation a little better now."

"Alright, I'm glad we got that cleared up-"

"_However_. I still agree with Gokudera on one point. I don't think you're ready for another assignment just quite yet and I'd like you to wait."

"What? Were you listening at all? It wasn't my fault, Gokudera-"

"Lambo, listen to me," he interrupted sharply. He sucked all of my indignation out of me with one look and I deflated, staring at my feet.

"In order for an assignment to succeed, everyone has to work. They also have to be willing to admit where they were wrong not only to their team, but to themselves, so that they can prevent the same mistake from happening next time. I want you to think about the meaning of teamwork and only when you give me a suitable answer will I let you go on another assignment. Do you understand?" He asked.

I stared at him for a couple of seconds in disbelief.

"Lambo. Do you understand?" he repeated.

I didn't understand at all. "Yes. Yes, I understand."

"Alright then. You can go now."

I had clearly been dismissed. Vongola picked up his sleek onyx mobile phone and began dialling a number before swivelling around on his high-backed, leather chair to face the open window. I sullenly trudged out of the room.

As I closed the door, I heard Vongola say, "Hello, Yamamoto? How are you? I was just calling to find out what happened on the mission, since I didn't understand either Lambo or Gokudera -"

I slammed the door behind me. What a prick.

* * *

When I returned home, I was in a horrible mood. To distract me from my motion sickness on the thirty minute bus ride home, I had mulled over all of the things Vongola had said to me. It had worked, I hadn't run immediately for the bathroom upon getting home, but I had come to a few important realisations.

There were three things that pissed me off to no end:

1. Gokudera had fucked up the mission as well and he wasn't getting taken off the assignment roster. Vongola had just let him go without another word.

2. Vongola hadn't believed my story and had called Yamamoto to reaffirm it- he clearly didn't trust me.

3. The only thing that stood between me and the mission roster was a stupid dictionary definition.

Of course I knew what teamwork meant. It wasn't a complicated concept and I didn't see why Vongola was taking me off the assignment roster at all. I'd only ever been on _one_ assignment, for chrissakes. I was sure that if he'd given me another chance and let me go on a mission with someone like Chrome or even Fuuta, things would have been just fine. If he hadn't made me go with Gokudera, everything would have been just fine. Yamamoto and I could've worked things out between us.

As soon as I stepped inside the apartment, a gruff, vaguely feminine voice called out, "Grab the popcorn from the microwave and bring it over here, will you? _Xiexie._"

I glared at the forest green velvet couch and grabbed the flimsy bag of popcorn from the microwave, depositing it on the couch's occupant. I-Pin howled in pain as the burning hot paper scalded her and snarled at me, "What the hell's your problem?"

I sank onto the couch beside her, ranting, "That bastard Gokudera's my problem. He screwed up my first assignment and I'm the only one getting the blame for it. Vongola's banned me from going on any other assignments."

She popped open the bag and a sickening, buttery smell erupted from it. Without a shred of sympathy, she deadpanned, "That's horrible."

"I mean, all I did was accidentally lock him in the meat freezer and it was his fault that I accidentally shot Yamamoto in the leg-"

I-Pin went completely still. "You shot Yamamoto in the leg?"

"Technically, Gokudera shot him. I was just holding the gun."

"You shot _Yamamoto_ in the leg? What were you thinking? He's mankind's only hope for salvation and you nearly killed him-"

"It wasn't my fault! I was trying to save him, but then Gokudera threw a pot at me and I couldn't aim properly. And besides, I thought that the bullet would just ricochet off his bare skin since he's invincible."

She sighed heavily. "I know it's difficult, but you need to remember that even though Yamamoto has godly strength and the smile of an angel, he is just as human as you and me."

A silence heavy with the weight of her amazing revelation fell between us.

Then: "…what the fuck are you watching, I-Pin?"

She bristled defensively and snapped, "I'm watching _Gossip Girl_."

"You shouldn't be watching that shit. Men don't watch stupid soap operas."

"How many times do I have to remind you that I am a _woman_?"

"Denial is one of the seven stages of gender-confusion."

"That's the seven stages of grief, asshole."

"Gender-confusion, grief, they're practically the same thing," I dismissed her easily, reaching for her popcorn.

She let me take some and I tossed it into my mouth as a tawny haired man-whore snogged the living daylights out of a blonde slut. I-Pin was totally drawn in by it, her dark eyes followed the soft-core porn intensely as she stretched her legs out over the top of my lap. I let her leave them there and continued munching on popcorn.

"So, what did Tsuna-nii say to you?" she asked, distracted by the blaring TV screen.

"He said that I'm not allowed to go on another assignment until I can come up with a suitable definition for 'teamwork'. I didn't think Vongola was such a corny, clichéd bastard."

"That does sound like a lame ass excuse to keep you off the assignment roster."

"Yeah, but there's nothing I can do about it anyways."

"Maybe he's trying to indirectly say you're too weak and lack penis."

I was suddenly, horribly reminded of Yamamoto's triple x-rated sex scene. "Can we please not talk about penises?"

She shrugged. "There's no need to get defensive. I think all you need to do is show Tsuna-nii that you're strong enough to handle missions."

"Yeah, but how do I get strong that quickly?"

"It's simple. What do Tsuna-nii, Yamamoto, Gokudera and myself all have?"

"…excess testosterone?"

She smashed her foot into my thigh, dangerously close to the production site of the aforementioned hormone.

She answered her own question, "A home tutor, idiot."

"_Yare, yare. _I don't need a home tutor. I can get stronger on my own."

"And this is exactly why I've been on the assignment roster for years and you haven't."

"You know, you don't have to rub it all the time. And, okay, so what if I do decide to get a home tutor? Who would I ask?"

She chewed on a piece of popcorn thoughtfully. Then she grabbed a notepad sitting on a side table and two chewed plastic pens, handing one to me. "Let's brainstorm."

After about half an hour, the notepad looked like this:

**POTENTIAL HOME TUTORS FOR THE STUPID COW**

(_you know, 'stupid cow' was really unnecessary._

**don't waste paper with your useless comments. why are you even writing to me when we're sitting right next to each other? stupid cow.**)

.

**People in the Vongola Famiglia**

**Tsuna-nii** (_but he's really busy all the time)_

**Fuuta **_(I mean sure, he's our mom and all, but what the hell is he really going to teach me? _**good point**.)

_Shamal_(**you're not female.**_)_

_Bianchi _(**as much as I love her, she's hazardous to your health.**)

**Iemitsu **(_not in the country and he's too old anyways)_

**Ken/Chikusa **(_they scare me._)

**Basil **(_he. doesn't. stop. smiling._)

_Kawahira_ (**he's the fussiest shit I've ever met. he criticises his ramen all the time, imagine what he'd do to you.**)

**The Varia **(_are you _trying_ to get me killed?_)

.

(**I'm going to put the guardians in a sub-category.**

_your organisation would be impressive if I could actually read your writing._

**you've managed so far, haven't you?**)

.

**Guardians**

**HIBARI KYOUYA **(_NO. _**why not? **_because I am not going to subject myself to torture so that you have someone to lech on._ **you selfish bastard.**)

_Chrome _(**no. you don't deserve a nice tutor like her. **_what the hell's that supposed to mean?_)

_Yamamoto _(**you just shot him in the leg.**)

**Gokudera **(_why would you even put him on here?)_

**Mukuro **(_I heard he eats children.)_

_Ryohei _(**just imagine his extreme training regimen. you'd die within three hours.**_)_

_.  
_

**People outside the Famiglia**

_Dino Cavallone _(**he's just as busy as Tsuna-nii is.**)

**Lancia **(_who the hell is he? _**the guy who looks like Simba on drugs. **_lovely._)

.

(**what about the Arcobaleno?**

_put them in another category._)

.

**Arcobaleno**

**Luce **(_I am ninety nine point nine percent sure she's a serial killer._)

**Skull **_(please think before you put stupid names on here.)_

**Verde **(_I don't think its wise to hire someone who previously tried to KILL ME._)

_Fon _(**hell no. he's my home tutor. get your own.**)

_Viper _(**who?**)

_Lal Mirch _(**she's not in Italy.**)

**Colonello **(_hey, he wouldn't be too bad. _**actually, I think he's working in Mafia Land at the moment**.)

**Reborn**

"Are you kidding? Reborn?" I blurted, throwing my pen down in disgust.

"Why not?"

"Isn't it obvious? He's my archrival! If he trains me, he'll know all of my techniques and weaknesses. I'll never stand a chance at defeating him," I replied indignantly, shocked at her stupidity.

"But he specialises in losers."

"So?"

"…never mind."

She tapped her pen against her chin twice as she frowned at the names on the page. "You know, brain-storming was totally pointless. All we've done is rule out everyone who could possibly tutor you."

"Then what the hell do I do now?"

"Well, I personally think you should reconsider Hibari-"

"I am _not_ asking Hibari."

"-or put an ad in the newspaper for a home tutor outside of the Famiglia."

"That's a stupid idea."

"No it's not. I'm sure there are a bunch of unemployed hitman home tutors who read the newspaper in their spare time."

"There's no way I'm wasting money on a job ad for a hitman home tutor. People will just take the piss. I'll find a home tutor on my own."

* * *

When in times of dire need, people often end up allying with their mortal enemies.

There are clear examples of this throughout history, for instance, in World War 2, communist Russia and capitalist America joined forces to collectively pound the Nazis into dust. They were willing to temporarily set aside their differences in ideologies (and the fact that they hated each others guts) in order to achieve a similar goal.

There was nothing wrong with Roosevelt and Stalin working together to smash Hitler out of the picture.

By this logic, there was also nothing wrong with allying with Reborn to find out the names of potential home tutors outside the Famiglia.

So I entered enemy territory.

The modest white apartment complex loomed over me like a tower of imminent doom. I stared up at it, my gaze straying to the contorted claw-like shadows of cable antennae stretching from its roof, then to the predatory gleam of the windows. I steeled myself for the inevitable conflict and fingered my Vongola ring- which I could hardly use, but liked to wear because, well, it looked pretty awesome. I took a deep breath in before I ventured forwards.

The elusive security code box faded into my line of vision and I gritted my teeth. I stabbed in two symbols I knew better than the letters of my own name.

**7-C**

A dull beep emanated from the silver contraption as it connected me to a telephone line. It began to ring.

There was a crackle of static as someone picked up on the other end. I immediately cried out, "Reborn, my sworn archrival! It is I, Bovino Lambo-"

The line immediately went dead.

I punched in his apartment code again.

_Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring -_

"_You have five seconds before I shoot you from my window."_

"You can't shoot me from your apartment. I'm out of your range."

I stifled a shriek as a bullet slammed into the wall mere millimetres away from my head.

"_You are not worth a second bullet. Leave."_

"Wait, I come in peace! I'm not out for your life today, I just wanted to ask you a question."

"_What."_

"Do you know any good home tutors?"

"…_why?"_

"I want to hire one."

There was a short pause.

"_I am not going to become your home tutor."_

"_Yare, yare_. I never planned on asking you anyways. It'd be stupid to reveal all my secret techniques to you. You could copy them and use them against me."

"_Cow, I cannot stress more that your techniques are completely safe."_

"You know, there are hundreds of people out there who would want to copy my techniques and use them for their own personal gain, simply because they're so powerfully destructive. If they learned my techniques, they could potentially rip the earth in two. I'm surprised you don't- Reborn? Are you still there?"

There was no answer.

Then, there was a shrill beep as a metal gate that led into the apartment building unlocked. I dove for its handle, determined to get into Reborn's building after years and years of fruitless attempts, but it evaded me as the handle smashed me in the stomach. I gagged, stumbling backwards and clutching my abdomen.

A wraithlike spirit slipped out from behind the prison-like door, a sleazy fedora tilted over his hellish abyssal eyes. It reared its hideous head and I was subjected to a glare that would suck lesser souls from their bodies. Luckily, I was made of stronger stuff and could withstand the torrents of evil that rolled off the demon disguised in a jet black suit.

"Stop coming here. The guards are threatening to report you to the police," he stated, in a voice hewn from Antarctic ice.

I retorted, "That's surprising. You sound like you actually care about my well-being."

He smirked. "Of course I do. If you get thrown into prison, who else is going to defend Super Samurai?"

I defended myself, "Hey, that was an accident. And how do you know about that anyways?"

His smirk widened in reply and he removed his fedora. All at once, his curly sideburns popped out of nowhere like hidden blades. I tensed at the sight of them and he smoothed back his hair with one hand indifferently. He noticed my suspicious stare and replaced his fedora, sliding his hands into his pockets.

"You know, I didn't expect you to come down and talk to me. That's only something I'd expect of human beings," I commented.

As though my words had flipped a switch within him, Reborn automatically began to move past me. I fell into step with him as he explained, "I didn't come down for you. I'm meeting someone."

"Who?"

"That's none of your concern. Go away, cow."

Excitedly, I pressed him, "Is it a woman? It's a woman, isn't it? Bianchi's going to be so mad-"

"Bianchi is sleeping with Spanner, so it's unlikely that she'll care."

I blanched. In a weak voice, I stuttered, "B-but, how? They hardly talk to each other-"

"I'm sure they make up for it physically."

The mention of physical contact had already kick-started my brain and I was flooded with memories of Gokudera's wanton moans and Yamamoto's sweat stained body. I swallowed thickly as I remembered the rippling muscles, the breathy gasps, the desperate mouths-

I blurted, "Do you think it's alright for two men to fuck each other up the ass?"

"I know for sure that Bianchi is female, cow."

"No, _no_, and urgh. I was just wondering what you think about gays in general."

"I don't have a problem with them. Why, do you?"

"No! No, no, no, of course not. I was just wondering if you thought that being attracted to another guy was wrong, or something."

Reborn stopped suddenly and turned to face me. "If you like someone, you like someone. There's nothing wrong with that."

His dark eyes smouldered as they clashed against my own and I felt irresistibly drawn towards him. His words resounded in my mind and something within me subconsciously clicked into place, though I didn't know what it was at the time. I couldn't tear my gaze away from him and it felt as though my bones had grown through the bottom of my feet and into the pavement.

On cue, Leon poked his tiny little green head out of the pressed lapel of Reborn's jacket like a submarine periscope. He peered around once, twice through his massive ruby eyes before blinking up at me. His leathery tongue flickered out as the corners of his mouth curved upwards. He cleared the distance between Reborn and I with one massive leap, latching onto my chest.

"Hello Leon. Is Reborn being an asshole? Don't worry, when I kill him, you can live with me," I reassured him, tickling him under his bumpy chin.

Leon's forked tongue darted out of his mouth.

Reborn glanced at him, eyes narrowed, as though to say something. He clearly thought better of it and continued walking, looking pointedly away from me. If I hadn't known any better, I would have thought he was jealous of the attention Leon was lavishing on me.

"Do you know any home tutors, Leon? You and Reborn hang out all the time, so I'm sure you've met someone who can train me," I pleaded with him.

Leon slowly turned his head in Reborn's direction. He stared at Reborn unblinkingly.

"No," Reborn ground out.

"You should know better than anyone else that I can't ask Reborn to train me. I'm trying to assassinate him, after all," I pointed out to Leon.

Leon continued staring at Reborn.

An awkward silence fell between the three of us. The little green lizard reigned supreme.

I cleared my throat self consciously after a very uncomfortable minute and Leon crawled up to my head, his rough feet scraping against my scalp in a pleasantly ticklish way. He sprang back to Reborn and landed on his broad shoulder. His curly tail swished back and forth before wrapping itself around Reborn's neck like a threatening noose. Reborn pointedly ignored Leon.

My mobile phone vibrated in my pocket and I glanced down at it. "Hold up a second Reborn, I've got a-"

I stopped for a brief moment, rifling through my deep pockets for my shitty silver phone, and my fingers finally closed around it. I yanked it out and looked up, only to find that Reborn had disappeared into thin air.

"Bastard," I muttered under my breath, not entirely surprised that he'd taken the chance to ditch me.

My battered phone screen was illuminated with the light of a new text message from 'THE ALMIGHTY I-PIN'- she had forced me to let her create her own contact when she saw I had saved her as 'IP-man'. With a sigh, I clicked on a tiny button and it led me to the actual content of the message.

**i hav the italian daily newspaper's number. do u want it so you can place a job ad?**

* * *

**Next chapter preview: Horoscopic Solutions**

"…I was asking why he was a dick, not to show me one."

"Um, well, do you have any tutoring experience?"

"_Yeah. I've been tutoring hitmen for about seven years. I started off in COMSUBIN, but then I steadily worked my way up to the rank of General. I gave it up to become head of hitman training in Mafia Land. I think I fulfil all your tutor requirements, _kora._"_

"Cow, why did you ask me about gay men the other day?"

* * *

**Talk to me, dahhlings.**

**What is this section?  
**This is where I answer any questions you guys have about this fic. This is also where I answer questions that I have about this fic and subtly criticise myself and silly thought processes I go through. If you have a question, just drop me a review and I'll answer it in both your review reply and at the end of the next chapter.

**What does _ahoshi_ mean?  
**The Japanese word ahoshi is a combination of aho (idiot) and hoshi (cow). Gokudera calls Lambo this all the time and at a couple of points, Reborn does too if my memory doesn't fail me. I had a lot of really horrible names for this fic before, like '_Conversion of the not-really-straight-to-begin-with man_'. Aren't you glad I decided on ahoshi?

**I want harder lemons.  
**Well, so do I. I've posted a harder version of this fic on aff . net, the link is here: http : / / anime . adultfanfiction . net / story . php?no = 600050070. Just delete the spaces and don't forget to review! The only thing different at the moment is Yamamoto and Gokudera's lemon in the prologue, it's much longer and you get to see more of Yamamoto's porn star ability. I haven't actually written any other lemons at this point in time (I have millions of ideas though) but I'm toying with the idea of a threesome. Ahh, writing satisfies every author's guilty pleasures. I freaking love ffnet.

**Yamamoto would make a really hot porn star.**  
Tell me about it. *drools*

**Where did the name 'Super Samurai' come from?  
**I watch a buttload of Chuck. There's a character called Devon Woodcombe, but he's been nicknamed Captain Awesome by Chuck because he's super handsome, super athletic, super intelligent and everything he does is awesome. I think that Lambo would see Yamamoto as his own Captain Awesome, and that's how the name Super Samurai was born. I actually originally intended to have Lambo call him Super Samurai throughout the entire story rather than Yamamoto, but by the end of the prologue, the joke was exhausted. That's why I changed it back to Yamamoto.

**What was up with Lambo hitting on that Isabelle girl in the prologue?  
**She was a device to show Lambo likes women, is comfortable hitting on women and is very straight. She doesn't come back.

**I-Pin's such a hardheaded bitch. What happened?  
**You need to remember that she's only interacting with Lambo here. Even in the anime as a child, she and Lambo would fight all the time. Since I've (hopefully) written Lambo as a noisy, witty guy, she would've picked up on some of his wit. She was also portrayed as more mature than Lambo and she'd kick his ass to put him back in his place, her bitchiness is just an extension of that. I also just want her to kick ass. I'm planning on having her act much more politely and shyly around anyone other than Fuuta and Lambo.

**Yay! Reborn! Is he going to appear a lot from now on?  
**Yay! Reborn! He has huge chunks in the next three chapters, but he'll probably disappear for a couple of chapters. :( I'm sad too. I'm kind of scared he's too nice to Lambo here, but at the same time I don't want to write him as a complete dickhead or else the story won't really go in the direction I'm planning. Him and Leon are so much fun to write. In fact, _ahoshi! _in general is so much fun to write.

**When's Colonello coming in?  
**If you didn't figure it out from the preview, the next one. He and Lambo don't really have much one-on-one-I'm-going-to-screw-your-brains-out-eventually interaction, but in the chapter after next they will. Sort of. Ahahahahaha, this is too much fun.

**WHEN IS THE NEXT DAMN LEMON. I NEED MY FIX.  
**Um. Four or five chapters. *dodges flying knives and runs from hordes of needy fujoshi* If it makes you feel any better, the sexual tension should start kicking in before then. I don't know about you guys, but sexual tension always makes me happy happy happy. :)

**

* * *

**

**If selandora was a tree, reviews would be her water and sunshine.**

**Please, don't kill a tree. Review.**

_- selandora_**  
**


	3. 2: sausages and horoscopes

My bed was too hot.

The covers were too tight and pinned me to the mattress, choking me stubbornly. I shifted and they pulled taut over my body, grating against my bare chest in all the wrong ways. I exhaled sharply through my teeth. Staring up at the whitewashed ceiling served no purpose at all and I flopped over onto my stomach, pressing the front of my body against the lumpy mattress.

(**'You're so tight.'**)

The memory of Yamamoto's voice further restrained me against my mattress, paralysing me with its hoarse intensity. I swallowed, remembering his body ripple as he thrust powerfully into Gokudera's comparatively small body, both of them trembling from the pleasure. I shifted again.

I was suddenly, irrevocably hard.

My eyes flickered to Fuuta's bed on the opposite side of the room.

He had thrown off his bed sheets throughout the course of the night and my eyes roved over his washboard stomach, his caramel nipples. I swallowed as his chest rose and fell with deep sleep breathing and followed the line of his neck to his slightly parted lips, the tawny mess of his hair.

Then I realised I was ogling the man who was practically my mother.

I flinched in disgust, wrenching my eyes away from him. The horned monster inside of me abated for a few minutes, but then the silvery light of the moon reminded me of Gokudera's hair, its fine strands plastered to his pale skin with sweat as he threw his head back-

"Shit," I hissed under my breath.

I threw myself out of bed, making a beeline for the bathroom. I locked the door purposefully behind me, flicking on the light switch. I winced as the harsh, fluorescent light attacked my rapidly adjusting pupils and my hands clenched on the edge of the bathroom counter as I stared in the mirror.

A dishevelled sixteen (nearly seventeen) year old man stared back at me through wide emerald eyes. He swallowed, watching his Adams apple bob up and down and then his eyes dropped drastically to the cock straining to burst from his navy boxers.

His hand slipped beneath the elastic band of his underwear.

* * *

"You look like crap," I-Pin commented over the edge of her fashion magazine as I dragged myself over to the breakfast table.

I slumped across its glossy surface and mumbled in agreement, "I feel like it too."

"Do you want some coffee?" Fuuta asked as he worked his household magic.

I stared at the long, flesh-coloured sausages sizzling in the frying pan.

After a long time, I managed, "Coffee would be nice."

"I know what'll cheer you up. I'll read you your horoscope," I-Pin all but offered me and she flipped through her violently pink magazine.

"I don't want to know my horoscope. Horoscopes are for pathetic, insecure people who delude themselves into thinking that there's hope for their ruined careers and nonexistent love lives," I muttered, too tired to actually actively stop her. It was only a couple of seconds later that I realised I fell into this category.

"Alright, here's your horoscope. _The best solutions will come effortlessly. The fountain of knowledge will be presented to you, but you must make your own decisions_."

"That sounds like a load of bullshit."

"Stop swearing, Lambo," Fuuta chastised me.

"Sorry, Fuuta."

"_Chi troppo vuole, nulla stringe_, he who wants too much doesn't catch anything," Fuuta told me philosophically.

"Right, but _chi dorme non piglia pesci_, those who sleep don't catch any fish," I retorted bitterly.

"_Non affoga colui che cade in acqua, ma affoga chi male incappa_, whoever falls in water doesn't drown, but he who falls badly will," he defeated me. "You shouldn't be in such a rush to find a home tutor, you might end up hiring someone who won't help you at all. The most promising people always come much later on."

He put a plate down in front of me and two curved, tan sausages sensually smouldered up at me. For some reason, I found I wasn't so hungry anymore.

* * *

"_Hello, is this person that placed the job ad in the newspaper?"_

"Hi, yes, I am."

"_I'm calling about your job advertisement for a home tutor. Is the position still available?"_

"Yeah, in fact, you're the first person who's called. Are you interested in applying?"

"_Yes please."_

"Alright then, I'll just ask you a few questions. Is that okay?"

"_That's fine."_

"Well then, we'll start with simple questions. What's your name and how old are you?"

"_I'm Sandy Brown and I'm twenty four."_

"How long have you been a home tutor?"

"_Well, I've been tutoring teenagers for a couple of years now._"

"Okay, and which Famiglia do you work for?"

"_Famiglia?"_

"Oh, are you a freelancer? That must be rough, I heard that all the jobs freelancers are hired for are all to do with assassination. In fact, I know a pretty funny story about a guy who couldn't get his gun out in time, so he found a pair of chopsticks and-"

"_I'm sorry, aren't you looking for a tutor to help you with homework?"_

"I'm actually looking for a hitman home tutor."

_Click._

"Hello?"

* * *

Over the series of years, the Spanish Steps had become my third home- after my actual home and the area outside Reborn's apartment complex. This was because firstly, it was a nice place to sit and think when it wasn't tourist season and secondly, it was one of Reborn's haunts.

The aforementioned spawn of Satan was already leaning against a banister at the top of the steps, a Styrofoam cup of coffee clasped between his fingers. It was impossible to mistake him for anyone else; nobody else would wear a fedora with a garish orange ribbon. Our eyes locked together and a battle of wills ensued as we stared each other down.

(This is actually untrue. Reborn looked away after two seconds and pretended that he hadn't seen me.)

I bounded up the stairs three at a time towards my archrival and threw myself onto the banister beside him. He swapped his coffee to the other hand and held it at an arm's length away from him as I collided into him so that it wouldn't spill all over the place. He continued staring straight ahead, ignoring me, but a sharp pain in the back of my head suggested he had hit me. I hadn't even seen him move, but he must've cast an illusion on me. He was a dirty trickster after all and it was inhumane for anyone to move that fast.

"I bet you thought you could escape me for the day," I taunted him, folding my arms over my chest triumphantly.

Instead of answering, he drank from his coffee cup.

Leon crawled into sight on Reborn's fedora brim and peered down at me through his ruby-red binocular eyes. He blinked once, twice. Then he launched himself off of Reborn's hat and onto my selectively messy hair.

"Oi, Leon. Why do you think Reborn is such a dick?" I asked him, going cross-eyed in an attempt to look up at the tiny lizard.

Leon crawled down to my shoulder and his tongue flickered out as he observed Reborn. There was a dull glow as he began to morph and I watched in interest as he temporarily shone all the colours of the rainbow. When the light subsided, he had become an extremely graphic miniature of a toned, naked teenage boy. I stared at what Leon had become in shock for a couple of seconds.

"…I was asking why he was a dick, not to show me one."

Reborn hissed through his teeth in warning to Leon, who immediately morphed back to his original form. He swung his head in Reborn's direction and stared up at him, the corners of his mouth curving upwards into a smile. Reborn held his arm out expectantly and Leon jumped onto it, crawling up it before resting upon Leon's fedora once again.

"I saw your newspaper ad," Reborn stated.

"Yeah? And?"

"I thought there was a limit to your stupidity. Apparently, I was wrong."

"Actually, the ad was I-Pin's idea. And don't you chastise me, you couldn't be assed to help me so I had to resort to desperate measures."

"No good hitman home tutor will answer a job ad in the newspaper."

"You don't know that."

"Anyone that calls you will be just as bad, if not worse, than you are at the moment. Give up."

"_Yare, yare_. I'm not giving up just because you tell me to. What are you doing here, anyways?"

"I'm waiting for someone."

"A woman?"

"That's exactly what you're not going to find out. Go away, cow."

* * *

"_Lei ho! I am cawrring to find out if the poseetion for professionarr hitman is stirr in avairabirity? I have heard many, many nice things about the Itarian peopre and-_"

"I-Pin. Fuck off."

"_Deem gai ah? I sense great anger inside you siu didi, and I would rike to herp you rerieve yourserf._"

"I really can't believe you lived in Hong Kong. Your accent is horrible. What the hell did that last sentence even mean?"

"…_ngo hei wang, lei puk gai._"

"Hey, hey, there's no need to get nasty."

"_Diu lei lo mo._"

"You really shouldn't say things like that about Fuuta. He's your mom too."

* * *

Whenever I become impatient and bored, I hide I-Pin's romance movies. I put them in places she's least likely to find them and although I'm sure it qualifies me as jerk of the household, she hardly notices half the time. However, on the rare occasion that she does realise I've crammed a season of The OC into the dishwashing powder box, I end up spending the night in Vongola's mansion.

I slowly peeled off the plastic seal of the new tin of instant coffee, careful not to let it tear. Once it was completely off and the tantalising smell of powdered caffeine wafted into the atmosphere, I spread a series of I-Pin's DVDs on the table and eyed them all critically.

My choices consisted of season one of Gossip Girl and The Lake House. I frowned down at them, wondering which I should hide. Gossip Girl marketed everything I hated to the general public, however I-Pin watched The Lake House so frequently that I knew the entire script backwards. Gossip Girl had the most pathetic excuse for characters (in particular, Nate), but I-Pin sobbed like a dying triceratops whenever she watched The Lake House.

"Oh what the hell. I'll just put them both in," I muttered to myself, cramming the DVDs into the coffee tin.

Once satisfied, I wielded the glue gun expertly and used it to reseal the coffee tin. Nobody would ever know that I had opened the tin beforehand and since I was the only person in the household that drank coffee regularly, it would be a while before I-Pin figured out where her DVDs had gone.

"Lambo? What are you doing?"

I froze.

* * *

"Hello, Lambo speaking."

"_You placed the job ad, right?"_

"Yeah, I did."

"_I want to know more before I apply."_

"Sure, that's fine. What do you want to know?"

"_How old are you?"_

"I'm sixteen turning seventeen in a couple of months."

"_And do you have any younger brothers under the age of ten?"_

"No."

"_Do you have any younger sisters under the age of ten?"_

"No."

"_Do you have any friends that visit you frequently under the age of ten?"_

"Hey, wait a minute, I don't see what this has to do with anything-"

"_When I home tutor you, I want to ensure you have someone younger than you around. It's a well known strategy for home tutors; if you get tired and unfocused, I'll call a break and we can go play with your little friend instead."_

"Are you sure you're not just a paedophile?"

"…"

"…hello?"

_Click._

_

* * *

_

I was being chased by sausages.

They hopped towards me with nonexistent legs, faster than any track athlete. It wouldn't be long before they caught me now. My knees were burning with the effort it took to keep on running, to grit my teeth and try not to look behind me, but I could hear the sickening squelches as they slapped the ground again and again, growing nearer.

Out of nowhere, a fountain appeared in the distance and somehow, I knew it was my only chance for salvation. Without a second though, I hurled myself into the water and was engulfed in a world of complete silence, hanging suspended from imaginary threads in the crystal water.

A muted, underwater voice called to me, "_Cow."_

The voice touched me like a finger on my heart.

"Cow," the voice called again and I was aware of a sharp pain in my thigh.

When I finally opened my eyes, it was as though I was seeing everything through an ocean. I could only make out vague outlines of colourless shapes and as my vision adjusted, I realised it was already night time. That was weird. I could have sworn it was pretty bright just ten minutes ago.

"_Ciaossu_," Reborn greeted me in a monotone.

Still disoriented, I managed, "Did you just kick me?"

"Perhaps."

"What the fuck was that for?"

"You were in my way," he told me, as though that explained everything.

My thoughts began to spiral into place. I was outside Reborn's house- I had come over at four-ish to ask him something important, but he had been out. I had decided to stake out his building until he returned home.

"What time is it?" I mumbled, rubbing the dust out of my eyes.

Reborn shut the metal door behind him. "It's eight o' clock."

"Wait a second, were you upstairs the whole time?" I blurted, realising that he had just come from _inside_ the building.

He stepped over me and set off into the night.

I scrambled to my feet and stumbled after him, my legs numb from sleep. "Why didn't you answer when I called your apartment from the intercom?"

"I didn't see the need to."

I blurted incredulously, "So you just decided to leave me waiting for four hours?"

"Normal people leave after fifteen minutes."

"I had something really important to ask you, asshole. You could have at least been polite and let me come upstairs or something," I muttered darkly.

He smirked. "Not even in your wildest dreams, cow."

"_Yare, yare_. Where are you going, by the way? Are you meeting your mystery girlfriend again?" I questioned, falling into step with him.

"That's none of your business."

"I'm making it my business. You are my archrival, after all. I have to keep tabs on you," I explained, ruffling the back of my hair.

I didn't quite manage to stifle a yawn and it escaped noisily, like the roar of a mighty panda. Reborn ignored me. We continued walking side by side in silence, the cobblestone street lit by golden lamplight and the warmth of the Italian summer breeze.

He broke the silence. "Why did you ask me about gay men the other day?"

…well, this wasn't awkward in the slightest.

I desperately tried to force the memories of Yamamoto and Gokudera's sexual exploits to the back of my mind, but his question had dragged them forth. I swallowed as the blood began to race to my nether regions and I slid my hands into my pockets, balling them.

In an artificially calm voice, I managed, "I was just curious."

For the first time that night, he turned to look at me and raised a regal eyebrow. The brim of his fedora shadowed his face and brought out the obsidian glitter of his dark eyes. I'd never really noticed before now, but from a _purely heterosexual_ point of view, he was quite good looking. Even though I was a _straight man_, I could still appreciate the defined cheekbones, the sharp cut of his lips and the stunning juxtaposition of his long, delicate eyelashes against his marble face.

"What happened on the mission with Yamamoto and Gokudera?" he demanded in a voice as rich as cognac and twice as potent.

I replied in a voice that sounded more like Haru's than my own, "Nothing happened."

His eyes narrowed. "Don't lie to me, cow."

I sucked in air through my teeth as hard as I could and held it in my body for as long as possible, trying to calm myself down. The memory of Gokudera bent double over the bed as Yamamoto rammed into him from behind was one that always screwed with my head in the most erotic and disturbing ways. I was straight. I shouldn't be turned on by two gay guys fucking.

"I-I can't remember," I lied again.

I could hear Yamamoto's deep breaths, Gokudera's wanton moans, the sweaty slap of skin against skin-

"Did it have something to do with Gokudera and Yamamoto?" Reborn pressed.

"Of course not! Why would it have anything to do with them? I mean, they're perfectly straight, aren't they? Straight as arrows. Straight as swords-"

He deadpanned, "What did you see?"

I cringed, knowing that I'd been found out. Reborn wasn't stupid (it would have made my life a lot easier if he was) and he had the deduction abilities of a super sleuth; he always seemed to know when I was lying for some strange reason.

I finally relented, "I saw…Yamamoto and Gokudera."

His smirk grew. "And?"

What an asshole. He knew what I had seen from the very beginning.

I clamped my mouth shut, staring down at my toes. He continued watching me smugly, waiting for me to finish.

"," I rushed, as though if I said it fast enough, the memories would suddenly disappear.

"So what did you think?"

I spat at him, "What do you mean 'what did you think'?"

"It's obviously affected you. In more ways than one," he said pointedly, his eyes dropping to my crotch.

I self-consciously covered my crotch. In a fit of humiliation and embarrassment, I snapped, "I'm not gay."

"The evidence states otherwise."

"_I am not gay._"

He let out a low laugh of amusement, sliding his hands into his pockets. It took me by surprise since he rarely did so and my throat instantly closed in on itself from the mental breakdown it had just incurred.

The narrow street we had been walking along finally widened to reveal a deserted plaza, one that I'd never seen before in my life. It took me by surprise, but Reborn seemed to know the place very well because he continued walking ahead. In the very centre of the plaza stood a magnificent fountain, all fireworks of crystalline droplets against a majestic, marble sculpture of two lovers entwined in a desperate, passionate embrace. It was easily the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life, it was as though the artist had managed to lock emotion itself into his masterpiece. The street lamps cast a golden glow on the surface of the water that shimmered as it trembled in its regal basin.

Reborn noticed that I had come to a stop before it and with a small, inaudible sigh, he came to join me. The two of us fell silent as the gentle sound of rippling water consumed us and calmed us. There was no need for words as we stood there together, side by side.

And it was strange, because here in this quiet haven, detached from fear, insecurity and hopelessness- the only thing I could remember was I-Pin's stupid horoscope.

_The best solutions will come effortlessly. The fountain of knowledge will be presented to you, but you must make your own decisions_.

"Reborn?" I ventured quietly.

He didn't reply. I turned my head towards him and my eyes roved over his sharp profile, still tilted upwards to absorb the fountain in all its glory.

I continued, "I know you already said no but…do you think you could be my home tutor?"

He was perfectly still. I swallowed, knowing he must have heard me, but half-dreading the reply. The muscles in his jaw tightened and then slackened, his dark eyes were clandestine clear with choice. His lips parted-

**RING RING. RING RING.**

My phone began to spasm erratically in my pocket as it interrupted Reborn's answer with a mechanical shriek. Reborn shut his mouth once again and turned away from me, sliding his hands into his pockets as he observed the fountain again. I swore under my breath as I realised the fucker who had called me had just blown my chances and I fumbled for my battered silver phone, hitting the luminous green call accept button.

I covered the mouthpiece with my hand self-consciously as I asked, "Hello?"

A rough, Italian voice answered. "_Hi, you're looking for a home tutor, right?"_

I glanced at Reborn, frustration rising within me. Why the hell did someone have to call now?

With a sigh, I told him, "Yeah, I am. Are you applying?"

"_Yeah. It's not everyday you see a job ad for a hitman home tutor in the newspaper and I like people who have the balls to pull that kind of shit off, _kora_. Is there anything in particular you need to know about me?"_

"Um, well, do you have any tutoring experience?"

"_Yeah. I've been tutoring hitmen for about seven years. I started off in COMSUBIN, but then I steadily worked my way up to the rank of General, _kora_. I gave it up to become the head of hitman training in Mafia Land, took a little break to train another hitman friend of mine, and then returned to Mafia Land again."_

"You've worked for COMSUBIN? Isn't that the elite branch of the Italian army?" I blurted in shock, completely forgetting about my previous frustration.

"_That's the one."_

"And you trained the staff at Mafia Land?" I pressed. Reborn glanced at me sharply, eyes narrowing.

"_I believe I did just say that, yes."_

"Holy shit. Holy _shit_," I mumbled, hardly believing my luck. "You're hired."

"_Wow, so fast?"_

"The other job applicants were mainly paedophiles. You're the best offer I've had so far. I'm not at home at the moment so I don't have all the details on me right now- is it okay if I meet you at the Spanish Steps tomorrow at three o' clock to discuss it further with you?"

"_That sounds great. I'll see you tomorrow then, _kora._"_

There was a dull beep as he hung up and I stared at the phone, not quite believing what had just happened.

"Yes." The single syllable dropped from Reborn's lips like a stone into the depths of my stomach.

"What?"

He glanced at me. "I'll be your home tutor."

My mind went into overdrive as blind panic filled me to the brim. "But…I just hired someone."

"You asked me to tutor you before you answered the call. In other words, I have priority."

* * *

**Next Chapter Preview: the mechanics of things**

"Well it's obvious what you have to do now, _kora_. You need to make a decision. Both of us can't tutor you."

…

"I know what the meaning of teamwork is."

…

"Are you suggesting my training methods are less effective than yours?"

"I would have thought that was obvious, _kora_."

* * *

**Oh God, selandora help me! I don't understand your fic!  
**_(credit for questions goes to anonymous Guest and Nimbiose)_

**Why did you decide to write this fic in first person?  
**First of all, I haven't written a first person fic in ages- not since _Defining Duty _in 2009. Second of all, I think that when you write in third person, you can't characterise your character as well as you can in first person. When you write in first person, you can't describe as well as you can in third. I think comedy is more about timing, dialogue and simple description and _ahoshi_! is essentially driven forwards by Lambo's character, so first person was a perfect fit.

**Why is Leon such a sneaky son of a gun?  
**Leon is rooting for Lambo/Reborn sexytime. This will become more and more apparent as the fic goes on, hopefully. I think that since he sees them interact so much, he knows that they'd be great for each other.

**Is Lambo actually confident or is everything for show?**  
Lambo is very confident. He's a little insecure about his box weapon, but that's about it.

**Did you model Lambo after anyone?**  
I'd be lying if I said Hiccough from _How To Train Your Dragon_ didn't play a role in my characterisation of Lambo. They both go through essentially the same struggles and I thought Lambo would act the same way Hiccough would. I sort of meshed together what we see of Otona!Lambo and Hiccough and just hoped for the best.

**There's a lot of random crap in this chapter that doesn't serve a purpose.**  
AHA! It actually does! I wanted to show how bored and impatient Lambo gets when he wants something. I also wanted to further cement the relationship Lambo has with other characters.

**Lambo and I-Pin view Fuuta as their mum? What about Mama?  
**Lambo and I-Pin would have moved to Italy when they were about eight years old (Tsuna would be approximately eighteen by then) and Iemitsu moved back to Japan to stay with Mama. Fuuta already said in one of the anime episodes that he thinks he's responsible for Lambo and I-Pin, so it makes sense that he would mother them in Mama's place. Lambo and I-Pin still love Mama, so it's sort of like they have three mums (if you include their real mothers, ja?).

**WHO'S THE MYSTERY COMSUBIN PROFESSIONAL?**  
…if you didn't figure it out from my rather obvious hinting, then I have failed as a writer.

**Where should I check first for the earliest updates of _ahoshi!_, your ff net account, your livejournal or your aff net account?  
**I will update in this order- my livejournal (mm-megan. livejournal. com), my ff net account and then my aff net account. Every time. There won't be that much difference between the updates, but this is more for anyone pedantic.

**Is it really your birthday today?**  
YES IT IS. XD

_

* * *

_

**Reviews determine an author's lifespan. **

**If you'd rather I didn't die a premature death and leave this fic unfinished, please review.**

- _selandora_

(PS. If you want to ask any questions, drop them in a review and I'll answer your question in the next chapter.)_  
_


	4. 3: is this twotiming?

"-so I tell him as politely as possible that I've just hired someone, but then Reborn tells me 'he has priority'," I finished ranting.

I-Pin stared at me. "…and what do you want me to do about it?"

This slowed my tirade immediately. "I don't know. You tell me."

"You were stupid enough to get yourself into this situation. I'm not hauling your ass back out of it," she told me matter-of-factly, throwing another piece of popcorn into her mouth.

I grabbed the remote and smashed the crimson power button beneath my thumb. Blair Waldorf froze for a split second and then exploded into blackness as the power was suddenly cut.

"_Diu lei_, turn it back on," she snarled at me.

"But you've already seen that episode."

I managed to avoid a vicious uppercut and darted to the kitchen, pulling open a window. I dangled the remote control outside of it and every muscle in I-Pin's body came to a complete stop- a side-effect of the blind panic her natural self-preservation instincts had brought out.

I grinned at her, trying to hide the new bout of fear that had arisen within me. Maybe stealing the remote hadn't been one of my brightest ideas. When I-Pin's television time was threatened, she became a merciless bun-chomping beast with only one thought in her enraged mind: '_you know you love me, xoxo Gossip Girl._'

"Okay, look. I didn't want to have to do this, but you left me no choice," I told her as calmly as a person faced with a mindless savage could possibly manage.

"If you even think about dropping that remote, I'll break your mobile in half."

"My mobile's in my pocket, idiot."

"Shit. Well give it back anyways, or I'll tell Fuuta you were the one that clogged the toilet last month."

"Wait, that was you?"

"_No_, it was you!"

I sighed in exasperation and let my hand fall back at my side, remote control clutched in its grasp. "Look, you're my best friend. It's in the job description, you need to give me advice when I'm going through a tough time. You know I'd do the same for you."

"Before or after I blackmail you?"

"_Yare, yare_, there's no need for specifics at the moment."

She frowned at me. After a couple of minutes, she reluctantly sank into a seat at the kitchen table and propped her feet up on another stool beside it. "I'm actually on Reborn's side. You _did_ ask him first and you should've waited for his answer before you hired the guy who called you."

I defended myself sullenly, "Yeah, but it's not everyday someone from COMSUBIN says they want to tutor you."

"I think you should turn down the guy from COMSUBIN and stick to Reborn. I know you hate him, but that doesn't change the fact that he's really good at what he does. Just look at what he managed to do with Tsuna-nii," she advised me, tugging at one of her braids absentmindedly.

"Yeah, but-"

"Don't argue with me. You're the one who told me I should give you advice and I've just given it to you. I don't care whether you follow it or not, but I'm not giving you anymore and I want my fucking remote back."

I threw it at her. "Take it, you transsexual hag."

She caught it without batting an eyelid and beamed at me. "_Xie xie_."

* * *

As much as I hated to admit it, I-Pin was right. I _had_ asked Reborn first. It only made sense that he should become my home tutor and not the mystery COMSUBIN professional.

…BUT DAMN IT, I WANTED THE MYSTERY COMSUBIN PROEFSSIONAL.

I grit my teeth as I made my way towards the Spanish Steps, grinding them into enamel dust with every step I took. I probably wouldn't have any teeth left by the time I reached our meeting place, just bloody stumps where they used to be, and then I'd have to be rushed to hospital before I died of blood loss, which meant that I wouldn't have to see the mystery COMSUBIN professional and reject him, which would mean that-

Never mind. Even if I did somehow manage to avoid the confrontation, I'd only be putting it off. I'd have to tell him eventually.

I sighed loudly and shoved my hands in my pockets, flicking my fringe to the side in annoyance. The Spanish Steps gradually faded into my line of vision and I stopped at the base of them, realising one very important thing.

I had no idea what the mystery COMSUBIN professional looked like. I didn't have his name or number either (he'd listed himself as a private number) so that meant I had no idea who the hell I was meeting. I groaned, staring up at the stone masterpiece and scanning faces for someone who looked likely.

If the guy was from COMSUBIN, he probably looked really beastly.

He was probably seven foot tall and as toned as Yamamoto. He probably had scars all over his body and carried a massive gun. He probably had a shaved head and rotten, yellow teeth. He probably-

I spied a black fedora complete with a sickly orange ribbon.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I demanded once I'd reached Reborn.

He tilted his hand slightly, drawing attention to the coffee cup in his grasp.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, I can see you're drinking coffee, but what the hell are you doing _here_? _Now_?"

"The coffee here is good."

"You heard me on the phone last night, and you're just-"

"Reborn? Is that you, _kora_?" a warm, throaty voice called out from behind me.

We both paused in our conversation to glance at who had just called his name. I blinked in surprise – something that hardly happened to a hitman of my experience and calibre – as I recognised who was standing there.

The rain Arcobaleno, Colonello, was a mere few paces away from us. His smile was contagious and I found the corners of my mouth curving upwards against my own will.

Reborn stared back at him. "Colonello."

"What are you doing here? I thought we agreed not to meet today, _kora_," Colonello questioned him in surprise.

Reborn took a long drag of coffee. "I'm here for the same reason you are."

Both Colonello and I frowned in confusion.

Then I took a closer look at Colonello.

He was seven foot tall and as toned as Yamamoto. A large scar cut across the flesh of his upper arm and he carried a massive gun. He didn't have a shaved head and rotten teeth, but that didn't matter because:

"Wait. Are you the mystery COMSUBIN professional?" I blurted.

Colonello seemed taken aback by my random demand. "What?"

"You're the guy I hired to become my home tutor, right?" I elaborated.

Understanding washed over his face. "You're the kid I'm meant to be meeting?"

"You knew all along, didn't you?" I accused Reborn immediately.

Reborn innocently sipped his coffee.

"What did you mean earlier, _kora_?" Colonello asked Reborn, ignoring me.

Reborn deadpanned, "Ask the cow."

"You're the one who brought it up!" I snarled at him.

Colonello looked at me expectantly. "Well?"

I was sorely tempted to punch Reborn in the face. Given that that would not actually help the situation, I took a deeper breath of day and explained the situation to Colonello.

"Well it's obvious what you have to do now, _kora_. You need to make a decision. Both of us can't tutor you," Colonello reasoned.

I was so relieved that Colonello was sensible. And hot. (Wait, what?) I opened my mouth and began, "Well then, I want you-"

"Why can't we both tutor him?" Reborn interrupted me.

Colonello immediately frowned. "That's unethical, _kora_. He'll be torn between both of us and the different teaching methods will confuse him."

"Are you saying that you're not skilled enough to adapt to the situation?" Reborn questioned, nonchalantly placing his empty cup of coffee on the stone banister.

The air thickened in all of two seconds. Colonello's eyes narrowed and he stated coldly, "I'm saying that your crude, unpredictable training methods will destroy any progress I make with the kid."

I interjected, "Well, it's a good thing that I can only hire _one_ of you guys-"

"You've seen what I've done with Dino and Tsuna. You can't seriously pretend that my methods aren't effective," Reborn cut me off.

"The two of them already had a lot of potential, you can't take full credit for their growth. And if you pride yourself on how well you trained them, how come neither of them have hired you to train their subordinates again?" Colonello retorted.

Reborn went very still. Leon leapt to my shoulder and hid in my shirt. He replied coldly, "It's odd how hypocritical that statement is, given that Mafia Land refused to renew your contract as a home tutor."

Perfect silence fell.

"Cow. You will hire both of us," Reborn ground out.

I blurted, "What? But I don't have that kind of money-"

"Tsuna will pay for your tuition fees," Reborn interrupted me. Vongola wasn't going to be too happy about that.

"How long do you think your training methods will require?" Reborn sneered.

"Three months. Until the end of summer, _kora_."

"Hey-"

"Then it's settled. We'll both train him."

"-wait, nothing's been settled-"

"Alright, _kora_. This'll be easy."

"-are either of you listening to me-?"

"You can have him for the first three days. You'll need the handicap," Reborn stated.

"You're going to regret that."

"I don't think I will."

After a period of intense glaring, they both promptly looked away and disappeared in opposite directions. I stood alone on the Spanish Steps, watching the two men fade into pinpricks in the distance, and stared.

I wasn't sure if this was a development for the better or worse.

* * *

The next day, I went straight to the Vongola mansion and floated around the library like a spectre. The heated exchange and the consequences had drained me of all energy and I wasn't sure if I really wanted to see either Reborn or Colonello at the moment. Tsuna was in a meeting at the moment that would probably drag on for another half hour, so I quickly set to work pulling down all the dictionaries I could find.

It didn't surprise me that Tsuna had more than a few dictionaries. Living within the Vongola Famiglia tended to jade you after a certain point. I immediately set to work scribbling down notes.

"Lambo?" a low, sultry voice called out.

I recognised the voice in a heartbeat. "Bianchi?"

The tall, slender siren appeared from around the corner of a bookcase, smouldering quietly as usual. Although I'd always been aware of the waves of sensuality she gave off like uranium, the fact that she was more than double my age never failed to put me back in my place.

"Tsuna's finished. You can see him now," she explained.

"Thanks. By the way, I heard an interesting rumour about you. I didn't think you were into mechanics," I began, grinning.

Her expression didn't change, but it never really did. "What?"

"_Yare, yare_, don't pussyfoot around me, I know you've been screwing Spanner sideways for a while now. There's no need to be ashamed of doing the nasty with a renowned hermit, even if I personally believe you deserve someone with a heart of gold and the skill of a porn star."

"That's…sweet of you, Lambo," she stated, her face strained.

"No problem. If Spanner gives you any shit, just call me and I'll sort him out for you."

"I would take you up on your offer if there was an actual need for it."

I paused.

"What do you mean?" I questioned, my voice weakening.

The unamused expression on her face spoke measures.

I filled in the gaps myself. "You're not screwing Spanner."

"No. I'm not."

I began defensively, "But I heard from-"

Then I realised who I'd heard the rumour from and everything fell into place. _Reborn, you bastard._

One brain rattling slap later, I was promptly on my way to Vongola's office.

He stared at me as I entered. "…Lambo, what happened to your face?"

"I ran into Bianchi's hand," I muttered darkly.

His eyes immediately narrowed. "What did you do to her?"

"Hey, I didn't do anything to her! She just smacked me for no good reason!"

Vongola pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Why are you here, Lambo?"

"I know what the meaning of teamwork is," I proclaimed.

He didn't look convinced. "It's only been three days, Lambo."

I bullshitted, "I know, but your words really inspired me to work harder and impress you, because I understand now that as the head of the Vongola Famiglia, this concept is extremely important to you and therefore to me-"

"Lambo, sucking up to me isn't going to get you back on the mission roster."

"Damn it. Well, I have a definition for you anyways."

He leaned back in his chair. "Go ahead then."

"Alright," I said, recalling my prepared answer. "Teamwork is the cooperative or coordinated effort on the part of a group of persons acting together as a team, or in the interests of a common cause."

"Lambo, you just took that definition out of a dictionary."

"I am _shocked_ that you would think I would stoop so low! I would never deceive-"

He held up a piece of paper. "I thought you would try to pull a stunt like this, so I wrote out all the definitions for teamwork from the dictionaries in the library. I can name the dictionary that definition came from."

"Can you?"

"The Random House dictionary, published in 2001."

"Actually, I think it was the 1984 edition."

"It was the 2001 edition."

"Really? Crap."

"You're not getting back on the mission roster, Lambo. Try again in a few weeks."

* * *

**Next chapter preview: a Spartan education**

"Colonello? I saw him heading towards the outdoor training facilities. He was carrying all these really big guns though and he looked really mad. You might want to be careful,"

…

"Lambo. You asked me to train you. I would much rather not use force to motivate you, but if-"

"Fucking hell, I've got it! I'll do your damn repetitions!"

…

"Reborn, I want to die. What do I do?"

* * *

**The following section details the dissection of brain tissue exposed to radiation over a period of time spanning thirty seven days. Naht.**  
(_Credit for questions and inspiration for questions goes to Nimbiose, XXXMystery, lelekb, Prosper, __Tsukitaiskishiromaru__, . Please feel free to ask me any questions about the fic. I need something to fill out this section.)_

**What was I-Pin saying in Chinese in the last chapter?  
**I'm not fluent in Cantonese, so I'm sure the pinyin and the grammar is all wrong. Anyways, here's what she's meant to be saying:

_Deem gai ah? _- why?  
_siu didi _- little brother  
_ngo hei wang, lei puk gai _- I hope you fall down on the street (_puk gai _is actually really horrible and mean. It doesn't have the same impact in english.)  
_diu lei lo mo _- fuck your mom

Yeah, she's not very nice. :)

**There's a massive fail in the last chapter. This sentence: **"," I rushed, as though if I said it fast enough, the memories would suddenly disappear. **has a missing word.  
**FANFICTION NET WON'T LET YOU PUT A STRING OF WORDS WITHOUT SPACES IN. RAGE. RAGE RAGE RAGE. I'M SO ANGRY.

Anyways. I'll get around to fixing that, but it won't have the same effect with spaces in. Here's the line, with the dialogue:

_"And they were engaging in sexual intercourse," I rushed, as though if I said it fast enough, the memories would suddenly disappear._

**Is Lambo in denial about his love for Reborn?**  
I think Lambo's just in denial about everything. I don't think Lambo actually loves Reborn at this point in time, whether it be subconscious or conscious, but he will begin slipping into self-denial as the fic goes along. His biggest issue right now is his sexuality, so he needs to sort out his libido before he can properly fall in love with someone.

**Will things ever go Lambo's way? He just seems to get knocked down every time.**  
This fic has always been intended to be a Bildungsroman- for non-literature geeks, that is nerdspeak for a story that shows a character's maturation over time. The ending of this fic may surprise a lot of people, but I can assure you, things will go exactly the way Lambo wants them to.

**The line in the previous chapter 'I was suddenly, irrevocably hard' sounds awfully familiar.**

Allow me to quote for you:

_About three things I was absolutely positive: _

_First, Edward was a vampire. _

_Second, there was a part of him - and I didnt know how dominant that part might be - that thirsted for my blood. _

_And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him._

I swear to God, I did not realise while I was writing the line. Your subconscious works in weird ways, huh?

**Is there going to be some major fighting over Lambo?**  
Erm, let me kill anybody's hopes that Colonello and Reborn will get into crazy ass screaming matches, bloody battles and will randomly tear each other's clothes off. (I know, I'm sad too.) There will be little angst, Lambo will never break down into a sobbing heap and run into anybody's outstretched comforting arms because that is not the way I do things. Usually. There will be competition between Colonello and Reborn, where they'll both try to win over Lambo using their smexeh skillz, but they never directly fight- not even in the manga or the anime. I think that what makes their rivalry funny is that they just try to outdo the other, they don't actually fight as such.

**We didn't really get a feel for Colonello's character here. How are you planning on approaching him?**  
His appearance in the next chapter will freak people out. I'm sure of it. He's going to be really hard on Lambo. (I wish I meant that in a sexual way, but that doesn't come for approximately three more chapters.) Please bear with me though, he will warm up to Lambo.

**Why did Reborn say yes?**  
Reborn truly believed that Lambo was going to ask him all along, but was going to wait until Lambo was literally begging him. He was going to say yes before he was interrupted by Colonello, but then was spurned to say yes by the realisation that his rival was going to try to steal his prospective student.

**Is there going to be any more 8059 smut?**  
I haven't got any planned. I don't think Lambo would be able to take it.

**Are there any more pairings in this fic?  
**I-Pin's going to get some. :) She obviously still has her big one-sided crush on Hibari, but I'm toying with the idea of pairing her with either Hibari or Kawahira. There's going to be Tsuna x Kyoko and minor Ryohei x Hana. Despite my crazy yaoi fangirling, I actually do not want to slash-ify Katekyoushi Hitman Reborn to the max in this fic because a) it's unrealistic and b) I'm terrified this story will get out of control super fast.

**Did Leon turn into a naked, teenage Reborn in the last chapter?**  
Nope. He turned into a naked, teenage Lambo. He's definitely rooting for RL.

**Has Leon been with Reborn since he was a teenager?  
**They don't actually explain this in the anime- not sure about the manga, since I haven't read it. I've come up with my own theory though; Reborn and Colonello apparently grew up in the same village and they both happen to have fighter pets. I think having a fighter pet is something of a tradition in their village, so they would have both gotten Falco and Leon when they were quite young. Or it could just be Amano's way of squeezing cute animals into the series. Everybody has a cute animal apart from Lambo, damn it.

**Now that Reborn is no longer Tsuna's kateikyoushi, is he a free agent or does he work for the Vongola Famiglia?**  
Reborn is a free agent and he occasionally acts as advisor to Tsuna. He does what he wants, really. Sometimes, Tsuna will ask him to do the occasional job, but they both understand that Reborn can come and go as he wants.

**Does I-Pin watch the American or Korean version of The Lake House?**  
I originally answered this question with just the American version. I changed my mind. She's such a romance freak that she'd have both.

**Will the updates on aff net, livejournal and ff net be any different?**  
I answered this question in the first chapter (which is technically the second chapter, going by ff net's numbering system). Updates on livejournal and aff net will have more graphic lemons, but everything else will be the same. There will be no extra lemons in either site, but I may upload various side stories that link to _ahoshi! _as time goes along. I will announce at the beginning of chapters if I have censored anything on the ff net site and provide a link to the chapter for anyone interested.

* * *

**Woot. Nearly at the smexeh scenes.**

**Please review!  
**

_- selandora_


	5. 4: cracks in the wall literally

At roughly four in the morning, my phone had begun screeching away. I scoffed inwardly, drowning it out. The person on the other end was crazy if they thought I was seriously going to pick up my phone before ten o' clock.

The phone went dead. I settled back down to sleep.

_RINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRING-_

There was a loud bang on the wall beside my head, ferocious enough to make the clock on my wall shake. I jumped in surprise and then I-Pin's manly voice snarled through the plaster, "Pick. Up. Your. Phone. **Now**."

Before she could punch a hole through the wall, I scrabbled for my phone and answered it. "I'm not interested in whatever the hell you have to sell me, so piss off and go back to sleep you damn telemarketer."

"_Actually, this is Colonello."_

"Shit - I mean, er – good morning. Is there a problem, Colonello-san?"

"_Be at Tsuna's mansion in ten minutes, _kora_. If you're late, I'm waking you up at three tomorrow."_

"Wait, but it takes more than half an hour to get to-"

"_Ten minutes." _Click.

When I eventually arrived forty seven minutes later, the mansion seemed completely dead. Nobody in their right mind was awake at this hour, and I grumbled darkly under my breath as I dragged my feet against the crimson carpeting, still feeling ill from the bus ride over here. I didn't even know where I was meant to meet Colonello, the mansion was the size of a small village and he could be anywhere.

There was a brisk movement in an open doorway and my head snapped towards it immediately. I remained completely frozen, staring at the now empty space. I was so sure I had just seen someone walk past.

"…hello? Colonello-san?" I asked nervously.

Nobody answered.

It only just began to dawn on me how scary the Vongola mansion was. It was one of those buildings that would be perfect for a horror movie- the portraits of Vongola's predecessors stared occupants down from every wall, chandeliers dangled precariously and chimed eerily in the dead silence and there was so much space, it felt like it was swallowing me whole.

There had been a massacre in here during the Primo's reign, hadn't there? Maybe the ghosts of the victims were still lurking around here, waiting to exact revenge on anybody stupid enough to come in at four in the morning alone-

"Hello?" I blurted.

Of course I wasn't panicked. Of course I didn't believe in ghosts.

There was a rustle of fabric and I jerked around, catching the outline of a dark figure slipping past another arched doorway. Instinctively, I reached for one of my grenades. Wait a minute, but that wouldn't work, would it? Explosions wouldn't affect ghost, they'd just sink right through them and they wouldn't even melt into ectoplasmic goo because they didn't feel anything-

**Holy crap**, the ghost just went past a doorway on the other side of the hall. How did it get there so fast? The hall was the size of a football pitch!

Screw meeting Colonello. I didn't need training today. I could come back in a week or so, and we'd be able to continue then. There wouldn't be anything wrong with that. I doubted he was even in the mansion. Maybe he wasn't even coming. Yeah. He had probably decided it was too early and went back to sleep.

Once I'd convinced myself that I shouldn't feel at all horrible about ditching Colonello, I began to slowly back away in the direction of the main doors.

Then suddenly there was a voice from right behind me. "Lambo?"

I instinctively yelled and slammed my elbow into whoever – or whatever – was behind me. Instead of my blow sinking straight through ghostly ectoplasm, my elbow smashed into soft human flesh. There was a loud cry of pain and then a muffled thump followed.

Turning around, I came face to face with my incapacitated ghost. "…Shouichi?"

The auburn haired technician was groaning in pain on the floor, clutching at his stomach. "Why did you hit me?"

"It was your fault for creeping up on me! Why are you even here? Who the hell wakes up this early?"

Shouichi began to sit up, readjusting his glasses and wincing in pain. "The Hoverbikes' global positioning systems crashed and their display drivers needed to be upgraded, so Spanner and I rewrote the entire program and recalibrated it so that it would receive information directly from the Vongola super computer, rather than having to go through a proxy."

"…basically you mean there was a lot of work to do, so you and Spanner pulled an all-nighter."

"Basically, yes."

"Just say that next time." I held my hand out for Shouichi to take.

With a small sigh, he took my proffered hand and I helped pull him to his feet. He self consciously rearranged his long bangs and then coughed quietly into his fist. "What are you doing here, Lambo?"

"_Yare, yare. _I'm meant to be meeting Colonello-san here. He's my new home tutor, so we're having a training session today. I can't find him anywhere though."

"Colonello? I saw him heading towards the outdoor training facilities. He was carrying all these really big guns though and he looked really mad. You might want to be careful," Shouchi advised me.

"Crap. Can you go tell him I'm sick, or something?"

"…urrgh, my stomach hurts-"

I snapped at him, "Never mind. I'll go see him. When I return to you as a tiny box of mangled meat, you'll be sorry."

He mumbled, "I somehow doubt that."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing. Have fun with Colonello."

* * *

When I finally found the training ground Colonello was in, the first thing I noticed was a sack of guns. The nozzle of a bazooka burst through the mouth of the burlap sack. My fear heightened.

A sharp voice carried across the clearing. "I told you to be here in ten minutes, _kora_."

I immediately defended myself, "Yeah, well that was impossible. It takes ten minutes for the bus to come, thirty minutes for it to get to the station near the Vongola mansion and another five minutes to run here. There's no way-"

"You're waking up at three tomorrow."

"What? But that's so unfair-"

"I don't want to hear it," Colonello interrupted me. His folded arms brooked no further argument.

I was half inclined to continue fighting anyways, but given that he had a whole array of guns at his disposal, that probably wasn't wise. I fell sullenly silent and stared at the weapon-strewn ground. We really weren't getting off to a good start.

He asked me, "Do you know what Sambo is?"

I stared at him. "You mean the lion from the Lion King?"

He didn't laugh. "Sambo is a martial art developed in Russia. It combines the strongest moves from other martial arts like karate and judo, and is one of the most powerful fighting systems in the world, _kora_."

I attempted to crack a joke. "Well, you're naturally biased because you use it, right?"

"I'm not."

There was a dead silence.

"We're going to begin with some standard Sambo moves, and then we're going to spar using what you've learned. I hope you're prepared, _kora_."

I wondered if it was too late to ask Hibari to tutor me instead.

I jerked back into functional thought when his leg ripped straight through the air with a whistle. The movement had been so fast, I had nearly missed it. I realised that Colonello had already begun demonstrating the exercises, and I had failed to process the very first one.

As he launched into a series of moves and explained where they would strike vital points, I began to grow more and more interested in Sambo. I had never been taught a disciplined, regulated fighting system and was found it fascinating, if not a little limiting at the same time. When I was forced to repeat the moves, I discovered that the process and especially Colonello were really, really frustrating.

When I copied a kick, he stopped me. "Your leg needs to be at a ninety degree angle before you extend it."

When I raised my arms in a block, he stopped me. "You need to move faster."

When I pivoted on my foot to roundhouse kick, he stopped me. "You need to follow through."

When I delivered a punch, he stopped me. "You need to make sure your thumb is on the outside of your fist-"

I snapped irritably, "Does it matter? All that matters is that I hit the guy, right?"

His expression didn't change, but I could tell he wasn't impressed with my outburst. "If keep your thumb behind your fingers and then punch someone at full power, you are going to be ten times more likely to break it. There is next to no chance of that happening if you keep it outside."

I fell into a sullen silence, staring at him. I was sorely tempted to leave my fist as it was, just to piss him off, but really didn't want to break any fingers. Damn stupid elite COMSUBIN home tutors who knew their shit.

I slowly slipped my thumb to the outside of my fist.

When we'd finished running through all the moves, he told me, "Now repeat all of those moves fifty times."

I blurted, "What? That's inhumane, there were like eighty moves! I'll be dead by the time we spar-"

"Lambo," his voice was dangerous and I could tell he was losing patience. "You asked me to train you. I would much rather not use force to motivate you, but if-"

"Fucking hell, I've got it," I muttered bitterly. "I'll do the repetitions."

His eyes narrowed at me and he had fallen deathly silent, as though he was restraining the overwhelming urge to punch me. To be honest, I felt exactly the same way. I probably stood a chance against him, now that he didn't have his gun. I'd heard things about his Maximum Burst and his legendary sharp shooting ability, but nobody had ever mentioned how good he was at hand to hand combat. I didn't expect to win against him even without his gun, but I could probably land one good hit.

The fact that we were going to spar later was all that kept me going through the tedious repetitions. My muscles were screeching in agony, but I ignored them, glaring at Colonello all the while.

I made every effort to show that I despised him and that I hated the regimen he was putting me through. An hour and a half later, I had finished the task he had set me without ever breaking eye contact with him. He returned my glare with a level, icy blue stare of his own and it was only now that he unfolded his arms.

"We're going to spar," he announced.

Usually, I would have demanded a break after an exercise session as crazily intense as the one he had just put me through. My rage had managed to overpower my fatigue however and his words flicked a switch within me, a flood of energy burst through a dam of self-preservation. With a loud roar, I charged him head-on.

He easily sidestepped me and I instinctively smashed my elbow to the left, trying to follow his movements. His eyes narrowed for a split second at my unexpected move and he grabbed my elbow, twisting it behind me. The next thing I knew, the blue sky was swimming before my eyes and then my back was one long scream of pain.

I gritted my teeth, trying to regain my breath, but then Colonello's fingers clamped shut around my neck. My hands scrabbled at his wrist in an attempt to fling him off and I brought my knee up roughly, smashing it into his stomach. Unfortunately, he had abs of steel and felt no pain.

He raised his fist high above his head. I gnashed my teeth at him, spat at him, cursed him and he pinned my hands to my sides with his knees. I wasn't going down without a fight, damn it!

There was a howl of air as his fist came crashing down. I choked as I struggled for oxygen, my muscles bulged as I tried to break free, my legs flailed uselessly-

And then his knuckles stopped a mere millimetre away from my face.

I stared in shock at the tanned knuckles before me, not quite believing that he hadn't taken the chance to break my nose and most of my skull. He released my neck and stepped off of me, sinking into a defensive position. My throat throbbed with pain.

His icy blue eyes showed no mercy. "Again."

* * *

Several hours later found me slumped over the edge of Fuuta's kitchen table. When Fuuta entered, he came to an abrupt stop when he saw my lifeless form sprawled over the previously speckless surface.

He ventured, "Lambo? Are you alright?"

"I had my first training session with Colonello-san today," I mumbled into wood.

"And? How was it?" He questioned.

"…I want to die."

Fuuta sighed and made his way over to me, slipping into a chair. "What happened?"

My mind was numb. "My body hurts all over. I can't move."

"Don't be so overdramatic. Of course you can move-"

"I've been here for the past two hours," I interrupted him.

"…oh."

A short silence fell between us.

Fuuta was obviously grasping at things to say. "Well, I'm sure you'll see improvement with Colonello soon. After all, _quel che non ammazza, ingrassa_, what doesn't kill you will feed you."

"Yeah well, _campa cavallo, che l'erba cresce_, while the horse starves, the grass grows. I'll be dead by the time I see improvement," I muttered darkly.

"You're not dead yet. _D__inchè c'è vita c'è speranza_, where there's life, there's hope_. _Don't give up, Lambo," he encouraged me.

"I'm not giving up," I protested hotly. "I'm just pissed off that Colonello turned out to be such a bastard."

Fuuta frowned at my use of foul language, as he always did. "Colonello is one the funniest and nicest people I've ever met. You must be over exaggerating-"

"Fuuta, _I can't move_."

Fuuta didn't know what to say again. "Well…he did spend a lot of time training COMSUBIN elites. He would have had to be very professional and had to work them really hard to help them maintain their high standard. Maybe he's just training you the same way he would them. If anything, you should be flattered that he's putting you on the same level as them."

I made a non-committal sound. I wasn't convinced.

I was forced to leave the house when I-Pin went into one of her not-as-rare-as-I-would-hope rages. Given that she was a professional martial artist, extremely manly and had a habit of breaking things when she was mad; I didn't think the house would survive.

Her part time job as a ramen delivery girl hadn't gone so well today. Kawahira had forced her to make three trips back and forth to his house because he had complained about the sogginess of the noodles. Although I knew this was just one of his manipulative ploys to annoy I-Pin and force her to spend more time with him, she fell hook, line and sinker for his tactics every time. It was a shame she didn't realise how much he liked her.

I dragged myself through the cobblestone streets, my drained body slugging forwards on autopilot. It really wasn't any surprise that I collapsed outside Reborn's apartment building door and I punched 13C into the intercom.

"_Hello_," he answered.

I moaned miserably, "Reborn, tell me what your door code is so I can come up."

"_I'd much rather not put an end to my privacy," _Reborn replied curtly. "_What do you want, cow?"_

"Please tell me what the meaning of teamwork is. I'm begging you."

"_This is one of _dame_ Tsuna's half-assed attempts to keep you off the mission roster, isn't it?"_

"What? So this stupid definition crap is really just an excuse to get me out of the way?"

"_I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you, cow. The last guy who was asked to give Tsuna a definition still isn't on the mission roster."_

"How long has he been suspended?"

"_About three years."_

Any hope I had was vacuumed out of me. "Reborn, I want to die. What do I do?"

"_Why the hell are you asking me?"_

"Because you're Vongola's bitch."

There was a sharp silence.

Then a bullet smashed straight into the wall a fraction away from my head.

* * *

**Chapter 5 preview : you greedy, bisexual bastard.**

His thumbs began to climb up the length of my leg, over my ankle, beneath my trouser sleeve, over my knee, over my thigh. Colonello added pressure to his thumbs and massaged my skin as he began to slowly work his way up. I forced myself to stare at his hands and nothing else, even though he was a hair's breadth away from me, even though I could smell the earthy smell of sweat and sun radiating from his skin. He found a spot that made every hair on my body stand straight on end and my lips parted as I sucked air in desperately, the sensation flooding through my nervous system.

I arched instinctively. "There- right there-"

* * *

**There was an article today on ridiculous names. I found one that beat Billboard Wong. Meet Pedor File.**  
_(Special thanks to alguien22792, orangesky3, sweet-and-simple for the questions. Don't forget, if there's anything you want to slam me about or interrogate me about, just drop me a review and I'll reply in this section in the next chapter!)_

**Don't you have something you should apologise for?**  
You may have noticed I put random things at the end of my chapters. The most recent one I've posted looks like this:

_OMFGZZZ I'M NOT UPDATING UNTIL I GET FIFTY MORE REVIEWS THIS CHAPTER!111!_

_Sike._

_I actually love writing this fic, so I'm not going to pull a loser-ish stunt like that. But I would appreciate it if you reviewed and let me know what you think._

I got a warning letter from adultfanfiction net telling me that I was basically 'review-whoring' and that they were going to pull my story from the site. I'm worried that other people may think I'm 'review whoring'. I love reviews as much as the next author, but I would just like to make it completely clear that **I was kidding**. I don't actually want fifty reviews per chapter and would never hold my story hostage like that. Like I said in what I'd written above, I actually like writing _ahoshi!_ and want to share it with you- I'm sorry if the message of the above writing was misinterpreted and offended anyone. I was actually trying to draw attention to how lame 'review whoring' is. Talk about irony, huh?

**Lambo's definitely going to be torn in half from Colonello's training, isn't he?**  
Not just from the training. XD Okay, that was highly inappropriate. I apologise for my lewdness, but I've just been writing A SMEXEH COLONELLO X LAMBO SCENE, so it only makes sense that I'm going to be full of double entendres from this point on.

But to answer your question, yes. Neither Reborn nor Colonello are going to go easy on Lambo. Lambo will constantly come home in a state dangerously close to death.

**Why would Reborn tell Lambo that Bianchi was screwing **_**Spanner**_** of all people?  
**He was essentially trying to see how gullible Lambo was, because he wouldn't be Reborn if he didn't take sadistic pleasure in Lambo's fails. Bianchi and Spanner would never date and the fact that Lambo doesn't realise that only adds to how silly and naïve he still is.

**Is Colonello going to take Lambo's virginity?**  
Man. It actually hurts me that I know I can't answer this question. I WANT TO. SO. BADLY.

**Is Reborn actually in love with Lambo?**  
Reborn's attracted to him, yes. But Reborn also knows that Lambo doesn't see him in that way, at least, not yet. He was essentially biding his time and going to work his way into Lambo's heart slowly and sneakily, but then Colonello came and essentially messed everything up.

**Is Lambo ever going to get laid in this fic?**  
Honey. Lambo gets what he wants. Only this time, it won't take him forever. Anticipate a lemon soon.

**What's up with your weird characterisation of Colonello?**  
I know he's normally portrayed as a total playboy, but you have to remember there's a big age difference between Lambo and Colonello. Colonello still sees Lambo as the kid Tsuna used to tote around- you don't go around trying to seduce toddlers, even if they're no longer toddlers because that image is still stuck in your mind. He's also quite mature and knows there have to be certain boundaries between him and his student, he takes his job as a home tutor very seriously because he loves it. I'm planning on having him slowly reveal his usual, sexy side as he and Lambo warm up to one another. (You can read that literally or figuratively.)

* * *

**Well, I should probably be safe and not put anything silly or satirical here. I will, however, post a quote from the best web series character known to mankind.**

"**Do you know what World of Warcraft and my old high school have in common? You start off very weak and get beaten up everyday, and then you go away, get a nice sword and kill everybody."**

**Anyone who guesses who said this gets major loving from yours truly. And the added reward of being DAMN AWESOME.  
**

**Please review! **

_- selandora_


	6. 5: you greedy bisexual bastard

It was a blazing hot day; the cement of the pavements fried any creature unfortunate enough to tread upon it and the convenience stores were filled with parched tourists, unprepared for a typical Italian summer. I had left my suit jacket at home, mainly because it would cook me alive in this weather, and walked along in my black cutoffs and slippers. Colonello had called me and said he was already at the training ground, so hurry the hell up, _kora_.

"What are you wearing?" Colonello drilled me as soon as I stepped onto the grassy plain.

His random demand killed any rational thought. "What?"

"Do you really expect to be able to fight in slippers?" he asked, pointing at my feet. "Take them off."

I glanced down at my ratty black slippers. I supposed he did have a point. With an inaudible sigh, I kicked them off and the underside of my feet burned as they came into contact with the dry, fiery-hot grass. I hissed and skipped from foot to foot.

I complained, "Shit, but it's hot. Can't I keep them on?"

"I'm not training you if you're wearing slippers, _kora_. I don't want you breaking your ankle," he stated.

He turned away and I pulled a face, hesitantly placing both of my feet on the hellish ground. I grit my teeth as my skin began to melt off my feet and forced myself to keep them there so that I'd become accustomed to the temperature.

"What are you standing around for? Start warming up," he ordered me. At his command, I reluctantly launched into a series of stretches.

I bet Fon didn't treat I-Pin like this, Fon was such a calm, considerate man. I bet he never ordered her around and probably offered her tea before every training session. I bet he worried about her pushing herself too hard and constantly advised her not to push herself too hard, I bet he encouraged her every time she did something right and even when she didn't, I bet he told her at least you tried your best. Colonello, on the other hand-

As I began stretching my hamstrings, a flurry of movement caught my eye. I instantly glanced in its direction and stared.

Colonello was peeling off his white wifebeater. The flimsy white fabric slid over his hard, defined shoulders and over his toned arms, the corded muscles in his back flexing as his tan skin shimmered with sweat.

His voice rumbled, "Do you remember the drills I made you do last time?"

Maybe I had remembered them thirty seconds ago, but my brain had combusted at the sight of all his bare toned flesh. "Sort of."

"Do the ones you can remember, _kora_."

I sluggishly sank into a neutral stance.

"Don't spread your legs so wide," he barked. "They're meant to be shoulder-width apart."

I readjusted my feet. The grass burned the balls of my feet and toes. His tan skin shimmered with sweat.

I inhaled deeply before throwing a punch forwards, hearing it whistle past my ear satisfactorily. I repeated the action, again and again, again and again-

Two large hands closed around my hips and hot air spiralled against my jaw line. My body went completely rigid. He was standing mere millimetres away from me. He was half-naked. He was touching me.

My mind went into overdrive: no homo, no homo, no homo-

His murmur caressed the shell of my ear, "Punch again."

NO HOMO NO HOMO NO HOMO-

I punched forwards. As I did so, he forced my right hip forwards and pressed my left one back against him. He explained, "Your hips are too stiff, _kora_. When you punch, turn your hips and throw your body weight behind it. Your hits will be more powerful."

His hands warmed me through my shirt. "O-okay."

His fingertips accidentally dragged against the fabric of my cow-print shirt as he separated himself from me, sinking onto the picnic table a few metres away. He leaned backwards and I got a good look at his torso for the very first time. I openly ogled him. The man must have been airbrushed to perfection.

My burning feet reminded me that I needed to continue with my exercises. Between the distraction of the scorching hot ground and the potential Abercrombie & Fitch model sitting less than a stone's throw away from me, I was finding it incredibly hard to concentrate. Sometimes, Colonello would lean this way and his stomach would tense for a fraction of a second, other times he'd lean that way and his Herculean arms would flex.

After a couple of hours of monotonous exercises and painful soft-core pornography, he called out, "We're going to spar."

I'd been expecting this, but that hadn't lessened the dread. My bruises were still smarting from the last session we'd had (_and this time he was half naked and toned and-_) I gritted my teeth, lowering my fists to my sides. Colonello bent over the picnic table as he rifled through his bag for something and produced a water bottle. My heart sank to my stomach as I predicted what would come next:

He poured it all over his torso.

His lips parted as he took a deep breath in. The water dripped from locks of his blonde hair and clung to his tanned skin as it trickled down reluctantly. He shook his head and gasped, sunlight catching the droplets and blinding me temporarily. He turned to me, sapphire eyes glowing as they anticipated the impending fight.

My concentration level dropped instantly.

"Let's begin," he called out, his rough voice grinding against every nerve.

He lunged forwards and I stepped backwards in the nick of time, dodging his hit. He threw a punch and I ducked beneath it, my arms lashing out to grab his arm and lock it in place. Colonello drew his arm back and then his six-pack gleamed.

God, he was so pretty-

His stomach kick threw me to the other side of the training ground. I coughed as I rose slowly in pain, but he had already smashed his fist into the side of my face. I somehow managed to roll away as he tried to hit me again and wrapped my legs around his knees, yanking as hard as I could. He immediately fell to the ground and I had the upper hand, clambering to my feet as I threw a punch forwards.

Colonello grabbed my fist mid-throw and twisted it to the left, so I followed through with a second punch. He caught that as well and yanked me down to the ground alongside him, reversing our positions and locking our legs together. His hands wrapped around my right shin and he began to push it up so that my knee nearly touched my head. I hissed as a searing pain raced up the length of my leg and I threw my head back against the hot grass, my vision blurring.

"What are you doing? You should be able to break out of this,_ kora_," Colonello said sharply, punctuating his words with slight squeezes.

I ground my teeth together viciously and looked back down at the predicament I'd become entangled in. I couldn't see any way out- all I could see was Colonello's gleaming abdomen and the droplets of water as they dripped onto my chest, one by one. I swallowed, averting my eyes immediately.

His rough voice filled the space between us. "Lambo, _hurry up_."

Reacting completely on instinct, I curled my arms around his and threw my body weight upwards, pushing with my free leg. Colonello swore loudly and released my trapped leg, but it was too late. I called out in pain as I pulled my hamstring, but managed to break out of his hold anyways.

"What the hell were you thinking? I taught you different ways to break out of a hold like that, why did you take the idiot's route?" he demanded as I slumped over my injured leg.

"Fuck," I hissed under my breath. "I don't know- I wasn't thinking."

He kneeled down and his hands closed around my ankle. "You haven't been doing that all day today, your concentration's all over the place, _kora_. Tell me when it hurts."

His thumbs began to climb up the length of my leg, over my ankle, beneath my trouser sleeve, over my shin. Over my knee. Over my thigh. Colonello added pressure to his thumbs and massaged my skin as he began to slow-slowly work his way up. I forced myself to stare at his hands and nothing else, even though he was a hair's breadth away from me. He found a spot that made every hair on my body stand straight on end and my lips parted as I sucked air in desperately, the sensation flooding through my nervous system. The pain dizzied me for a second and I balled my hands, tearing up grass roots as I did so.

I arched instinctively. "There- right there-"

Instead of immediately releasing his hand, he continued to torture that spot by pressing harder, harder. His fingers traced over the muscles in my leg and I wanted to throw him off, wanted to get away from the pain and his godly physique. With a little sigh, he told me, "You've pulled your hamstring,_ kora_. We're going to have to get you to Shamal."

I pointed out, "Shamal won't help me, I'm not female."

"He'll help you," he said, with a note of finality.

I glared back down at my leg. It still hurt like a bitch and I guess Colonello could read my face like a book.

He began, "Lambo, I can't train you if you're not concentrating. You couldn't remember half the drills I taught you and you clearly weren't thinking when you tried to break out of my hold on you, _kora_. When you don't concentrate, it just leads to stupid injuries like this one-"

"It's your fault I can't concentrate!" I blurted furiously.

An awkward silence fell between us.

"…what?" he asked, truly confused.

I'd really put my foot in it now. I mumbled, "It doesn't matter."

"How is it my fault you can't concentrate, _kora_?" he pressed me.

"I said, it doesn't matter," I raised my voice, beginning to rise gingerly to my feet.

He forced me back down. "Lambo. What do you mean?"

"I'll sort it out by next session. I'll be fine, as long as it's not a hot day."

"The heat's getting to you?"

I snapped defensively, "Of course not! I'm used to this weather, I've lived in Italy all my life and it's never bothered me before. It's just that you need to…"

"I need to what?"

"You need to put a_ fucking shirt_ on!"

Silence fell.

"…it's distracting," I added lamely.

Colonello stared at me for a couple of seconds, flabbergasted. I didn't think many people could shock an Arcobaleno and instead of revelling in my accomplishment, I felt like crawling to the core of the earth. His hand tightened around my leg for a split second and biting pain ripped through my body, I moaned as my eyes slid shut.

Then Colonello let go so fast that I hardly noticed until he was halfway across the training field. He slipped on his shirt without another word.

* * *

Later that night, my mind whirred at the speed of light as it tried to make sense of the situation earlier. I could barely make out the ceiling in the infectious darkness, but stared straight ahead anyway as I lay in my bed. The smooth sheets, plushy mattress and soft pillow weren't enough to coax me to sleep, if anything, they were distracting. I hadn't moved in the past hour and a half.

"I-Pin?" I called out hesitantly.

There was no reply.

I asked, "Are you awake?"

"No."

My stomach stuck in my throat and I couldn't force the words past it. My heart thickened and became too heavy for my body, it felt as though it would drop to the ground at any moment. I swallowed and my throat reluctantly cleared.

"I think I'm gay," I confessed to her in a small, small voice.

Silence fell.

"Well, now I'm awake," she muttered.

There was a rustle of fabric as she sat up in bed and the two of us stared at our feet through the blankets, both uncertain of what to say next.

"You're sure?" she questioned.

"I don't know. I mean, I'm pretty sure I still like women."

"Then you're a greedy bisexual bastard."

"_Yare, yare._ You could be a little more sympathetic, you bitch."

"Why do you think you like men anyways?"

"Well, I don't really think I should say-"

"Say it."

"…I get hard around Colonello."

"Wow. Maybe I shouldn't have asked."

"Fuck you."

"So this – um - _occurrence_ only happens around Colonello? I don't think that's enough evidence to come to the conclusion that you like men in general."

"There was- one other thing."

"Yeah?"

"I saw Gokudera and Yamamoto having sex and it really turned me on."

Silence followed.

"You know what I-Pin, just forget I said anything. Maybe it wasn't Gokudera. Maybe it was just a girl with short silver hair-"

"Shut up. Just shut up."

"Okay."

She ventured, "Are you going to do anything about it?"

"Gokudera and Yamamoto fucking? I don't think there's anything I really can do about it, they seemed pretty into each other-"

"**Lambo.**"

"Throwing that lamp at me was completely unnecessary. No, I'm not going to do anything about Colonello. What could I do? He's so strict and he pisses me off. And I'm sure he hates me anyways."

"I'm sure he doesn't hate you."

"Yeah, well he's a total ass during training sessions. He criticises everything I do and has no sense of humour. He doesn't laugh at any of my jokes. It's so demoralising."

"And you still like him?"

"I never said I liked him. I hate him. He's probably straight anyways. I just think he's really hot."

"That's weird though. I've talked to Colonello a few times and he's always come off as a really funny and nice guy. I don't get why he's being a dick to you."

"Yeah, well, let's hope you find out before he kills me."

* * *

It had been a really bad idea to walk to Reborn's apartment. My leg burned with every step I took (even Shamal's legendary treatment couldn't take away the pain) and I was well and truly shattered by the time I reached the building.

As I raised my hand to punch in 7-C, a mechanical beep alerted me that the door to the complex was opening. My face brightened immediately. This could be the day that I finally snuck my way into Reborn's building, the day that I tore down his apartment door and got a good look at my nemesis' evil lair-

I froze as I came face to face with Colonello.

The door slammed shut behind him.

Colonello folded his arms (oh god, his _arms_) over his chest and stared at me expectantly. I could feel the sweat breaking out across my forehead and my mouth was suddenly as dry as a desert. I didn't know what to say to him. I couldn't say anything to him.

"What are you doing here, Lambo?" he demanded.

His condescending tone broke my enchantment. I scoffed, "What I always do. I'm keeping tabs on my archenemy, Reborn."

He raised an eyebrow. "Archenemy or no archenemy, Shamal told you that you shouldn't be putting strain on your leg for a couple of days. You should be at home resting, _kora_."

"My leg's perfectly fine," I insisted, ignoring the incriminating throb of my thigh.

"Lambo, you're limping."

"I'm only pretending to limp. Invalids get special treatment, in particular, half off all flavours at the gelato store."

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Lambo, if you're not going to go home, I'll force you back myself."

I blurted, "What? You can't do that! That's in direct violation of my rights as a citizen, I have my own free will and you can't force me to do anything-"

Another mechanical beep sounded, only this one was laced with an undertone of doom and destruction. On cue, Reborn swept through the doors and into the narrow hallway, his toxic aura choking everything within a kilometre's radius as per usual. Before I had time to blink, Leon had leapt onto my chest and clung to me protectively.

"My neighbours are complaining. If you want to shriek at each other, kindly do it somewhere else," Reborn stated.

I blurted, "I'm not shrieking-"

An unknown voice from up above in the apartment complex shouted, "Stop shrieking!"

"God, I didn't think your minions lived in your building," I muttered darkly to Reborn.

I started as a sudden warmth engulfed my elbow and glanced down in surprise, finding that Colonello's fingers were wrapped around it. He put another hand on my shoulder, looking up at Reborn. "I was just about to take Lambo home, _kora_."

If Leon could have spat and screamed, he would have. Instead, his tail lashed out like a whip and smacked Colonello against the knuckles, once, twice. He left massive red welts in Colonello's tanned hand.

I stared down at Leon in shock. He trotted easily to my shoulder and viciously shoved Colonello's hand off. Then he settled in the crook of my neck guiltlessly, draping his tail around my shoulders and staring at Colonello.

Reborn shared his partner's unreadable expression. "You should just make the cow walk back on his own."

Colonello's eyes flickered in irritation. "Shamal said he shouldn't put pressure on his hamstring."

"Since when have you actually taken any of Shamal's advice?" Reborn raised an eyebrow.

"I just don't want him to hurt himself more than he already has, _kora_," Colonello explained.

They were talking like I wasn't even there. My mouth curled upwards into a snarl.

Reborn continued, "Your job isn't to mother him. Your job is to train him to be an assassin."

"He's delaying our training sessions because of his own negligence to look after himself," Colonello retorted, "I can't train him if he insists on being an idiot-"

And though it was immature, and though it put my pulled hamstring through complete hell, I stormed off into the distance.

Colonello called after me, "Lambo! Get back here-"

"Fuck you!" I shouted back at him.

Leon snickered against my neck gleefully.

* * *

With a loud sigh, I deposited myself at the base of the Spanish Steps, staring at my hands. Leon cautiously crawled down the length of my arm and seated himself in my joined palms, looking up at me questioningly.

"Do you think you'd help me kill Reborn?" I asked him.

Leon morphed into a flower. What a pacifist.

"What about Colonello?"

He instantly morphed into a gun.

* * *

**Next chapter preview : further proposals**

I should have immediately shoved off the vaguely familiar man snogging the daylights out of me, but my raging libido held me in check. This was nothing like kissing a girl, a girl had soft, pillowy curves and smooth skin. A girl had plump, full lips and hands like downy feathers. The man kissing me was hard in every way possible, the dripping toned muscles pinning me to the ground were definitely testament to that. His hands were rough against my skin, dragging against my cheeks like sandpaper.

It had became horribly clear to me that I preferred having a man's tongue shoved down my throat than a woman's.

* * *

_Thanks to alguien22792, Dragonist, orangesky3, Simca, Nimbiose, for questions/inspiration for questions. Thank you to everyone who is still reading _ahoshi!_ as well as those of you who reviewed, you make my world go around._

**Do you write outlines for your stories, or do you just go with the flow?**  
I tend to plan out my stories very loosely in my head and I write down a basic skeleton of what's going to happen in my ywriter5. If you're serious about writing, I highly recommend you get the programme; it's free and it helps you stay super organised. In terms of _ahoshi!_, I know what's going to happen in the next three chapters, what's going to come several chapters later and what's going to happen at the very end. I also know a lot about the smexeh scenes, mainly because I'm having more fun than I should be writing them.

**Your chapters seem to be quite balanced. Do they follow a certain structure?**  
Um, well, my goal for every chapter is to have Lambo interact at least once with:

1. Colonello/Reborn/Both  
2. I-Pin/Fuuta  
3. Another character allied with or from the Vongola Famiglia

I think I've done pretty well so far- I skipped out on the third in this chapter but this was pretty fast paced and I didn't want to slow it down with more interaction. I like the way this structure works though, and it's fun to show Lambo's relationship with more than just the people closest to him.

**Is there going to be any Reborn X Lambo in this fic?**  
Yes, there definitely will be. I kind of wanted to focus on Colonello's relationship with Lambo for a couple more chapters though. Don't worry, Reborn and Lambo's relationship will suddenly boom into existence and I will be incredibly happy. I've planned both the beginning of their romantic relationship and their first smexeh scene, so don't feel like I've neglected Reborn.

**Why does Lambo always go to Reborn for help?**  
The big difference between Reborn and any of the other members of the Vongola Famiglia is that Reborn has always treated Lambo like an adult. Sure, Reborn treats him like shit and ignores him a hell of a lot, but Reborn does that to anyone he believes isn't worth his time whether they be five years old or sixty seven. Although Reborn doesn't treat Lambo like an equal, the only person he really regards as his equal is Colonello.

**Is Colonello the mystery woman Reborn keeps going to see?**  
DINGALINGALING! I love you for asking this question, _Dragonist_. You are completely on the money, yes, Colonello is Reborn's mystery woman. This will be explained later on.

**Is this going to be a love triangle or a three-way relationship?**  
You know, initially, I wanted this to be a love triangle. I'm getting so attached to all three characters though, so I think I am going to make this a three-way relationship. Reborn and Colonello are mature enough to share with one another. I think. (IMAGINE HOW HOT THE RIVALRY WOULD BE.)

**Will Lambo always be uke? Or will he get a shot at seme?**  
Ahahaha, the idea of sixteen year old Lambo topping a beast like Colonello or an ice queen like Reborn actually makes me laugh. No, Lambo will not top anyone in this fic. If I do however go ahead with the sequel I'm planning to make to this, yes, he will get a shot at seme.

**SEQUEL? WHAT SEQUEL?**  
Yeah, I am planning on making a sequel to _ahoshi!_. It's going to be really short though, maybe three or four chapters long, and it will be set 20!YL. Yes, Lambo will top one of two incredibly lucky men. I think he deserves his THE TABLES HAVE BEEN TURNED, MOTHABITCH moment.

**Are Reborn and Colonello bisexual?**  
Colonello is. Reborn isn't.

**Is Lambo going to have sex with both Colonello and Reborn?**  
YES. Definitely. (Chiu, you think I'd write this fic and not let that happen?) In fact, he has sex with both of them. At the same time. I know this, because I have WRITTEN THE SCENE. I'm in a state of total happiness. Wow, I need to go out and get laid.

**What can we expect of your lemons?**  
Lambo is a complete and utter slut. Be prepared, aff/livejournal readers.

**Is Lambo going to get laid in the next chapter?**  
There is a high chance of something sexual happening. In other words, anyone really interested should keep their eyes peeled for the uncensored adultfanfiction/livejournal copies of this fic.

**Oh, so you fixed the adultfanfiction net situation?**  
Yes, I did. The next chapter will be censored here on ff net, but I'll be posting the uncensored version to both adultfanfiction net and my livejournal. So I'm just going to party all the time, and drink all day. I don't know why I threw in that song reference, it had no place there. Whoa, it's nearly two in the morning. That's why. Hahahaha. Wow, I'm babbling. I'm going to go to sleep now.

_Thank you for reading, and please drop me a review if you have any further questions or just want to let me know if I'm doing something wrong/right. _

_- selandora_


	7. 6: further proposals

Now that my leg had healed, I could go back to lessons with Colonello.

That statement is actually misleading- the optimistic tone of it suggests that I was looking forward to returning to them. I wasn't. I hadn't seen him since my (in retrospect) diva-esque departure at Reborn's apartment block and he hadn't bothered to call me either. It was pretty obvious that our partnership as student and home tutor was on the exponential decline.

As I dragged myself into the kitchen, Fuuta's voice caught me completely off-guard. "How's your leg doing, Lambo?"

"It's better now," I mumbled, preparing a bowl of cereal.

Then Fuuta returned to the tacky plastic phone and informed the person on the other end, "Yeah, Lambo says he's fine. He should be able to continue training with Colonello."

I stabbed my cereal with my spoon.

Fuuta ignored the splatter of milk on his arm. "It's no problem. Alright, I'll pass the phone to him."

He handed the phone to me, mouthing for me to take it. I raised an eyebrow in suspicion and answered it cautiously, "Hello?"

"_Lambo, it's great to hear your leg's better," _Vongola gushed.

I tried to make an excuse, "Yeah, well, it's still a little bit sore so I don't think I'll be able to go back to lessons with Colonello right away. I mean, I don't want to put any unnecessary strain on it while it's still healing."

"_Oh is that so?"_

"That is so."

"_Well, I actually called to see if you could go on an unofficial mission for me, but since your leg still-"_

"If I take painkillers, I'm sure I'll be alright. You know I'd do anything for the Vongola Famiglia."

"_That's good to hear. Can you come to Vongola mansion for your mission briefing?"_

I couldn't restrain the corners of my mouth and they sprang upwards comically. "Yeah, sure. I'll be there soon."

"_I'll be expecting you then. Can you pass the phone back to Fuuta?"_

I gave it back to Fuuta, my mind whirring with the possibilities. He murmured something that sounded suspiciously like a relieved 'thank you', but I was too buzzed to notice. I was back on the mission roster. I was _back_ on the mission roster!

"I knew Vongola would put me back on the mission roster. He finally understands how valuable an asset I am to the Famiglia," I gloated, once Fuuta had hung up.

Fuuta frowned. "I thought he didn't put you back on the roster. I thought he was just giving you this mission as a one off and that you were still on probation."

I waved him off. "No, I'm sure he put me back on it. Why else would he had bothered to reserve this mission for me specifically? He must have a whole list of assignments he's been saving for me, but the list has grown so long that he has no choice but to let me fulfil my duty."

"_Non ti perdere in un bicchier d'acqua, _don't get lost in a glass of water," Fuuta warned me.

"I'm not jumping to conclusions!" I protested.

"Just be careful, alright? I don't want you hurting yourself again. If it feels like your leg is acting up, go straight to Shamal," Fuuta lectured me.

"Okay, okay, I will," I told him without the least intention of doing so.

He paused for a moment, looking over me fondly. Then he stood up and pulled me into a motherly embrace, patting me on the back. He wished me luck, "_In culo alla balena, _into the ass of a whale, Lambo."

"_Speriamo che non caghi_, let's hope it doesn't shit."

* * *

The entire bus ride to Vongola mansion, I was so preoccupied with guessing what my mission would be that I didn't even feel like vomiting. I had narrowed the possibilities down from thirty six to four:

Steal important documents from a government official.

Seduce the mistress of a Famiglia head for political purposes.

Guard a hot girl on the run from the unjust Italian judicial system.

Assassinate the head of a prestigious Famiglia.

The second and third options were ones that I wasn't completely comfortable with, now that my sexual orientation was more ambiguous than a cryptic crossword. I personally was leaning towards the fourth option, I knew I had the subtlety and speed required for it and who didn't want to-

"I want you to help me propose to Kyoko," Vongola informed me.

I stared at him. "You're going to propose to Kyoko?"

A flicker of doubt appeared across his features. "Yeah, I am. I know it might be a bit too early and I'm not sure if she even wants to marry me, and it's probably a bad idea-"

"_Yare, yare. _Vongola, you could have asked her to marry you two years ago and she would have said yes."

He blanched. "Really?"

Sometimes I wondered if Vongola was socially retarded.

"So what's the plan? How are you going to propose to her?" I questioned, dropping into one of the leather chairs in front of his table.

He fidgeted. "I-I well, I was going to ask her meet me for dinner tonight at her favourite restaurant and pop the question there."

"A restaurant, huh?" I mused.

Worriedly, he asked, "Why, do you think it's a bad idea?"

It wasn't exactly the most original of ideas, but Vongola and Kyoko were a pretty boring couple after all. I didn't think Vongola would go for my 'fly with Kyoko into the sky over Italy and propose to her at midnight' plan- he'd probably be too scared of dropping her or getting smashed by a satellite. Knowing the way Vongola acted when he was nervous, I didn't think it would be too far a stretch. Kyoko would be happy as long as Vongola proposed, anyway.

I shook my head. "Nah, it's great. Where do I come in? Do you need me to bodyguard Kyoko and ward off any other women that are madly in love with you? It'll be quite a chore, since I'm sure you've got a legion of fan girls out there, but with my skill and expertise I'm sure we'll be just fine-"

"No, no, no, there are no other women. I'm going to be tied up in meetings all day, so I want you to go to the jewellery store and pick up her engagement ring. I'll be going straight to the restaurant, so I just need you to hand the ring to me before I enter," Vongola explained.

"Oh," I mumbled, deflated. Well, there went all the danger and violence I had been hoping for. I didn't mind as much as I normally would however, I was just thrilled that Vongola and Kyoko were finally going to get hitched.

"Is that okay, Lambo?" he questioned worriedly.

I told him honestly, "Why wouldn't I want to help my favourite couple in the entire world?"

His face split into a starburst smile. My heart melted into a messy pile of goop.

* * *

Vongola was an unoriginal sap. He had bought Kyoko an engagement ring from _Tiffany & Co., _the most generic, mass marketed jewellery chain known to mankind. I personally would have scoured the country for something really unique, but I supposed Vongola didn't have the time to do stuff like that. He was probably too busy doing things like debating with the Vindice over the welfare of war criminals, or something equally as awe inspiring and saintly.

As I pushed through the speckless double glass doors, I was swamped with freezing cold air-conditioning. Shop assistants glared at me from every counter- all of them watching the teenager who wouldn't have been able to afford anything in the store on five year's allowance.

A line from one of I-Pin's romance movies called 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' sprang into my head, '_Well, when I get the blues the only thing that does me any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away.'_

Clearly, Holly Golightly was a delusional sadist.

I pulled a crumpled piece of paper from my pocket, scanning Vongola's scrappy childlike handwriting. It instructed me to go find a shop assistant called…

"Hibari?" I began, completely dumbfounded.

The Cloud guardian merely stared at me- even though his facial features had been rigidly set in an emotionless mould, I could still feel the torrents of condescension rolling off of him in waves. I glanced around the store, comparing his sneer with those of his colleagues. He fit right in.

"Erm," I stuttered awkwardly, "I didn't know you worked here. I mean. At Tiffany's."

"I don't."

"Oh. I just presumed that since you were wearing the black uniform-"

His onyx eyes flashed to mine. "These are my normal clothes."

The silence was suicidal.

"So," I babbled nervously, "what brings you around to this neck of the woods? I meant that figuratively by the way, since we aren't really in the woods and there aren't really any _woods_ in the city, but-"

There was a glint of metal.

"Oh. Okay. I'll just, um, be quiet then," I mumbled.

Without another word, he produced a maroon velvet box. He let it drop from his hand and I dove forwards frantically to catch it before it struck the unforgiving marble floor. He easily stepped over my frazzled corpse and walked towards the exit.

"Tell the herbivore that if he asks me to run menial errands for him again, he will be torn to shreds," he deadpanned. I didn't think he was joking.

The rotating doors spun in a flurry as he left, the wind cracking between them with the force of his push. I watched his dark figure cut through the sunlight strewn upon the pavement through the glass windows, the harbinger of death and despair.

I honestly had no idea what I-Pin saw in the guy.

There was a low guttural clearing of the throat approximately three paces to my left and my head jerked in that direction. An expectant shop assistant was watching me through judgmental eyes, her foot tapping in irritation against the marble floor.

I ventured, "So, does everyone here start off an asshole or do you just end up that way?"

After I was thrown out – I mean – I left the store, I glanced at my chunk of scrap metal only the deluded would call a phone to check the time. I still had roughly an hour before I needed to deliver Kyoko's ring, so it was just a matter of finding ways to kill time before then. I slipped the ring box into my pocket and patted it twice through the fabric, reassuring it and myself that it would be safe.

I automatically found myself heading in the direction of the Spanish Steps. I sensed my archenemy before I saw him, his evil aura choked my heroic innocence instantly and I found myself struggling to breathe. Just for a couple of seconds though. Racing up the stone steps, I lunged towards Reborn to smash him against the banister. Like the coward he was, he chose not to fight back but rather to sidestep me. He was obviously in awe of my display of raw power and felt inept in comparison to my great strength.

"You have the ring?" Reborn questioned me.

My eyes narrowed. "You know about the ring?"

"I know everything about Tsuna," he stated, drawing his usual Styrofoam coffee cup to his lips.

"Some people could call that creepy and obsessive. Are you going to learn everything you possibly can about me then? Since I'm going to be your next student?" I pressed him.

He retorted dryly, "I'm very sure I already know everything about you, cow."

"…are you saying that you've been stalking me?"

"The only people I stalk are assassination targets."

"…are you saying that I'm an assassination target?"

"If only," he muttered. "I'm saying that you have a tendency to pour your heart out to me every time we encounter one another. Unfortunately, I can't kill you to spare my own grief because you're a part of the Vongola Famiglia."

"Me? Pour my heart out to my archenemy? That's ridiculous," I snapped. "By the way, did I tell you that Colonello has a massive dick?"

Reborn made a little noise that sounded like a kitten was dying in the back of his throat. It took me a couple of seconds to realise he was choking on his coffee. Leon crawled over to the front of his fedora brim, staring down at me but strangely keeping his distance. To be honest, he looked like he was judging me with those great ruby orbs.

I was completely floored by Reborn's reaction to my words. Had I said something wrong? "Reborn?"

He instantly returned to his cold, icy exterior and observed me through soulless eyes. "When did it happen?"

I blinked in confusion. "When did what happen?"

Reborn placed his coffee cup on the banister beside him, folding his arms over his chest. "When did Colonello have sex with you?"

All the blood rushed first to my cheeks and then spread to my dick as I began to envision Colonello fucking me into the mattress. I mean. Um. Not. Haha. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Answer the question, cow."

"I haven't had sex with Colonello! He's a whiny little bitch!"

"Then how do you know he has a massive dick?"

"I didn't say that. I said that he is a massive dick."

"I'm very certain you said he 'has' a massive dick."

"Well, I meant he _is _a massive dick. Wasn't that obvious?"

"Actually, it wasn't."

Then it hit me. "Wait, is Colonello gay?"

Reborn shut down faster than a breached vault.

That obviously meant he was. My mind whirred with possibilities and I realised aloud, "Does this mean I stand a chance with Colonello?"

Leon arched his back like a cat and his tongue began to flicker out in unbridled rage as he patrolled Reborn's fedora brim three times. Reborn raised an eyebrow and questioned, "Does this mean you've realised you're gay?"

I blanched. "I'm not gay, I'm just - I mean – I. Um. I'm not."

"Yet you're interested in Colonello?"

"Haha, just another slip of the tongue. What I actually meant to say was that I-Pin stands a chance with Colonello. I-Pin."

"I-Pin's obsessive love for Hibari qualifies for a restraining order."

"Hibari's an asshole," I muttered under my breath. Trying to find a way out of the now incredibly awkward situation, I glanced at my phone clock. I only had twenty minutes to get the ring to Vongola. "I'm afraid we'll have to end our debate there, archenemy-"

Before I had even finished my sentence, Reborn had already brushed past me and was gliding down the staircase. I watched him slither over them like radioactive waste and was utterly disgusted. But as he disappeared like a pinprick into the distance, something suddenly hit me.

How did Reborn know Colonello had a huge dick?

* * *

I walked as if in a daze, the tiny _Tiffany & Co. _bag swinging from my fingers dejectedly. How had Reborn seen Colonello's dick? I mean, there was a normal, not-world-shattering explanation for all of this, right? Reborn had probably accidentally seen Colonello's dong when he had been changing or something, it was one of those unavoidable things in life. Like accidentally stumbling upon gay porn when you actually wanted to see heterosexual human beings ploughing into one another. Or accidentally checking out your home tutor's ass when he wasn't looking.

I stumbled over a crack in the pavement and swore as a burning pain raced up my leg. Hissing through my teeth, I pulled the ring box out of my pocket and placed it in front of me so I could kneel down without it digging into my hip. I yanked up my pant leg to inspect my recovering leg. It was looking a little red. Like a really angry Asian flush red, like the ones I-Pin would get within a few seconds of her first sip of champagne. I began to gingerly massage the swollen muscle, losing sight of the ring box for a split second.

And then a brunette bastard snatched it up and set off at light speed.

…**SHIT.**

I let out a snarl and launched myself upwards on my bad leg, ignoring the warning rush of agony, trying to keep my eyes trained upon the burglar. I didn't recognise him and he seemed no more than a civilian, but for some reason he ran like a ninja. I was limping so badly that I could have qualified for a disabled parking sign, but that didn't matter. Vongola's _wedding ring_ was in that box and he was _depending on me_. I wasn't going to let him down.

"Lambo!" a familiar voice shouted after me.

I couldn't match the voice to the face, as I was speeding past and in hot pursuit of a ring-stealing asshole. The burglar slowed as he came upon a crowd of people and I doubled my efforts, knowing that this was my chance to catch up with him. He threw a quick glance backwards at me and hurled himself into the throng, manoeuvring his way through the crush of bodies. My shoes slapped against the pavement as I ran faster and faster, faster and faster-

A rough hand on my shoulder forced me to a halt.

My eyes clashed against a pair of striking emerald ones. Colonello. I snarled immediately, "Let me go-"

"What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing?" he demanded furiously.

I had never heard Colonello swear before, but it did funny things to my insides. Things that were not at all necessary at the moment. My mind cast back to my exchange with Reborn and my gaze dropped to Colonello's crotch for all of thirty seconds. Was it really…?

"I'm not going to tell you again," he continued. "Stay off your leg or I will make sure Shamal locks you in the infirmary and you never see the light of day again. You're never going to heal at this rate-"

"Vongola's wedding ring was stolen," I blurted.

Silence followed.

I don't know why I had confessed to him. I hardly knew the guy and hated him almost as much as I hated Reborn, but I guess I finally realised that Colonello genuinely did care for my welfare. I had been really suspicious of him before then and while I still thought he was an asshole, he had become less of one now and I think that was when I began to trust him. Just a little bit.

"The brown haired guy just now?" he questioned sharply.

I nodded wordlessly.

He released my shoulder and ricocheted forwards into the crowd, trying to force his way through to the thief. It was clear that Colonello wouldn't make it to him any time soon since the burglar was almost out of the man crush. I forced myself to think fast, where did this road lead? My mind mapped out the roads of Rome instantly in photographic detail and I imagined myself running along this road, passing the tree-lined streets, passing the open air cafes, my sandaled feet finally coming to slap against the white stone of-

Ponte Mazzini.

I knew a shortcut that would lead to the ancient bridge, overtaking Colonello and maybe even the burglar if I got lucky. My foot throbbed in agony as I turned suddenly and began to run in the opposite direction, trying to find the side street I had once stumbled upon in an attempt to find a convenience store. I found it, recognising the overhanging arches and yellow cobblestone street, and could feel the round edges of every stone set into the ground through my thin sandal soles. My feet curved around them awkwardly and I grit my teeth, refusing to look down at my swollen trunk of a leg.

The alley opened up onto a wide path on the waterfront and I spied the bridge some few feet away from me. The thief entered my line of vision, but I could still make it to Ponte Mazzini before him and stop him from crossing over. Colonello was nowhere to be seen. I forced myself forwards, breathing hard as the bridge grew closer and closer. I managed to reach it before the thief and yanked out my yellow horns of fury from my pockets.

"Alright, look. Just hand over the bag and nobody gets hurt," I told him slowly.

The man scoffed, "What are you going to do to me? You're a fucking kid."

Rage flooded through me and telltale emerald sparks of electricity began to crackle at the tips of my horns. The man swore in surprise as he was struck by an offhand spark and nearly dropped the box. I slammed the horns against either side of my head. I could feel the power fluctuating, surging and then going dead, surging and then going dead. Hopefully the guy didn't realise that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and was completely hopeless at controlling my Dying Will Flames.

"Just hand me the bag," I repeated.

He was silent. Then he spat, "Screw that."

I watched in horror as the burglar cranked his arm back in slow motion and then hurled the tiny red velvet box over the edge of the colossal bridge. Vongola's future was falling twenty storeys, doomed to sink to the litter-strewn bottom of the river.

It hurt me to think of Vongola sitting with Kyoko in their favourite restaurant, cracking all the lamest jokes as he waited for me to show up with his unoriginal Tiffany engagement band. I couldn't bear to shatter his trust like that and I wanted him and Kyoko to be _happy_, I wanted them to get everything they deserved.

So I dove in after the ring.

Colonello's hoarse voice yelled my name as I sailed downwards. I felt like I was flying but my eyes were trained on the tiny speck of red, then my entire body was engulfed in an Arctic cocoon.

I dropped like an eggshell into the water. My leg burned with pain as I kicked upwards. My eyes stung and I couldn't see anything but murky grey mist in front of me. In a moment of fleeting panic, I threw my head upwards and saw the box floating along the surface of the water.

I swam upwards, reaching out my hand towards it. My fingertips were so close, I could almost hold it in the palm of my hand-

Then a steam of bubbles erupted from my mouth. A toned, Herculean arm clamped shut around my waist and was dragging me _away_ from Vongola's engagement ring. I snarled in frustration, not caring that my mouth was filling up with water and punched and kicked the COMSUBIN monster yanking me in the wrong direction.

When we surfaced, the first thing my eyes registered was furious, electric blue. Colonello began heatedly, "What the hell were you thinking, jumping off the bridge like that, _kora_? Do you have a death wish? What is wrong with-"

"Vongola's engagement ring!" I blurted, my chest heaving for breath. "God damn it, if it wasn't for you I'd have it! The ring's there, it's there and it's-"

It was sinking.

"Holy shit!" I shouted, clawing at Colonello, "Let me go, you COMSUBIN tool, I need to go get the ring-"

"Fucking hell," he muttered, releasing me. "Don't move, _kora_."

He took a deep breath and glided under the water, I felt his muscled legs brush against mine and his fingers grated across my stomach as he dove deeper. I immediately broke out into a butterfly stroke, my arms hauling me forwards to the spot where the ring box had been last. I sucked in as much air as I could and torpedoed downwards, my hand reaching out blindly for the ring box. It had to be here somewhere. It had to be here.

And then I saw it. It was an elusive maroon speck in the darkness, sinking deeper, faster. I tossed my head to the left and saw that Colonello was nowhere near it- it was up to me to save the ring. I kicked as hard as I could, forcing myself deeper, deeper, feeling the pressure build in my ears and the air bubble from my mouth. My chest was burning and my leg was dying but I had to keep on going. I stretched out my arm for the box.

My fingers closed around it.

An entire gospel choir broke out into spontaneous song and dance in my head. While I was mentally break dancing to Amazing Grace, I began to drag myself to the surface. I was doing well, until my leg suddenly gave out on me.

I choked in shock at the unexpected pain and water rushed into my lungs, eliminating what little oxygen I had left. The gospel choir disintegrated into a funeral procession. I gripped the ring box in my hands, driving myself upwards, faster. My chest was going to explode. My chest was going to explode.

Colonello's hands closed around my wrists.

Water shone down in refracted rays, seeming to reflect off his godly, shirtless body. His hair blossomed around his head like a halo and he looked otherworldly. He looked safe.

Everything was utterly silent. Everything was still.

Everything was…

* * *

They say your life flashes before your eyes before you die.

The first time I'd been in a near death experience, I'd seen Reborn's face.

All I could make out now was a massive dick.

* * *

As my eyes slowly split open for what felt like the very first time, I was infinitely aware of a hot, muscled body pressed up against me. Two strong, calloused hands pressed against my cheeks and golden clumps of wet hair hung down before my eyes.

More importantly, a pair of hard, masculine lips were pressed against my own.

For some reason, it didn't occur to me that this had anything to do with CPR. I should have immediately shoved off the vaguely familiar man snogging the daylights out of me, but my raging libido held me in check. This was nothing like kissing a girl, a girl had soft, pillowy curves and smooth skin. A girl had plump, full lips and hands like downy feathers. The man kissing me was hard in every way possible, the dripping toned muscles pinning me to the ground were definitely testament to that. His hands were rough against my skin, dragging against my cheeks like sandpaper.

It suddenly became horribly clear to me that I preferred snogging men.

When the open mouth began to pull away, I threw my arms instinctively around the other person's neck, reconnecting our lips. I moaned into their throat, thrusting my tongue against theirs as I tried to mould our bodies together, sliding myself against my hero.

He froze.

Then we were a burning mess of wet skin and desperate hands.

I could feel a tongue devouring the insides of my mouth, dragging against my inner cheeks, the tips of my teeth, the roof of my mouth and I fucked it with my own eagerly. The hands were no longer against my face, one was curled around the base of my neck in an attempt to pull me closer and the other was charting a course lower and lower down my body. I ripped my lips away for a split second to let out a cry as a hand pressed against my cock, hard and hot through my wet clothes, and I ground my hips into it. My nerves crackled with every thrust I made upwards and I had to shut my eyes as white stars blinded me, but I wanted more, I wanted more more more more more-

I opened my eyes and was greeted by a shock of hazy, smouldering cerulean. Colonello met my gaze and I tried to return it. I had no idea what was going to happen next.

As we continued staring at each other, his hand slowly began to rub against my cock in small, torturous circles.

My arms tightened around his neck and I hissed under my breath, "_Fuck_."

He kissed me again and I had to pull my mouth away from him, I was having trouble breathing. My entire body was so tense, I would have snapped like a rubber band if Colonello would let me. He pressed his forehead against my jaw line, his tongue and teeth biting at my neck possessively, and I couldn't bring myself to care that I'd probably have a hickey there later.

"You need to tell me if I can go further, _kora_," he murmured against my neck, the tip of his tongue flicking at my earlobe once, twice, thrice. The motion sent little electric shocks throughout my body that all seemed to concentrate on my rapidly tightening cock.

I repeated distractedly, "Further?"

His warm breath curled over my cheek and I could hear the amusement in his voice. "Further."

**we hope to assist you with further patronage **_and Tiffany's hadn't been as warm and welcoming as Holly Golightly had made it out to be, but the engagement ring in my hand was more than enough to turn things around-_

I was sorely reminded of the damp box in my left hand. The smog of sexual tension began to clear from my mind (though it was particularly difficult when Colonello did _that_ with his fingertips) and I pushed against his chest in an attempt to put distance between us. He sat up in confusion, unfortunately removing his hand from my crotch and his lips from my neck.

We stared at each other. I tried not to ogle him, but it was hard when his six pack gleamed like a disco ball. In the distance, a clock tower bell began to chime one, two, three, six times. Vongola had told me to meet him at six ten.

I blurted, "I need to go."

The expression on Colonello's face faulted for a split second and he reached out to touch my hand. He began concernedly, "Look, we can talk about-"

God fucking damn it, dry humping each other really hadn't changed how annoying and teacher-like Colonello was. What had happened to that sex bomb who'd sworn at me and forced me down just a few minutes ago? "Vongola's future is literally resting on my shoulders, so if you don't let me go now then you're going to send him into the depths of depression, and then he'll commit suicide, and then the destruction of the Vongola Famiglia will weigh on your conscience for the rest of your life."

"Lambo-"

"And that sexy moment we had just now didn't change anything. I'm not gay. And I still think you're an annoying, overprotective asshole," I added. "Even if you are really hot."

His mouth fell open.

I ascended the stairs leading away from the riverbank and back to the cobblestone pavements. "See you tomorrow at six. And learn to put a fucking shirt on."

* * *

**Next chapter preview: Icy Hot**

Without thinking twice, I swept my tongue over the backs of his long, rough ringers. His grip on my waist tightened and I began to grind myself against his thigh, moaning into his hand as I sucked and licked at his fingers mindlessly. I wanted them in me, I wanted them pounding into my ass and wrapped around my cock, I wanted them covered in cold lube and then in cum, I wanted them-

Reborn swore and pulled me into his apartment building.

* * *

_Thanks to Ambie-chan, broken-knuckles, lelekb, Nimbiose, XXXMystery, sweet-and-simple and alguien22792 for the questions. If you have any questions, just drop me a review and I'll answer it in the next chapter. _

**Where's Falco?**  
No, not Starfox Falco. If you don't know who Falco is, he's Colonello's massive white bird. Falco should make an appearance soon, but I didn't want to clutter the story with pet animals. I already give Leon too much screen time as it is.

**Is Colonello attracted to Lambo?**  
Ehehe. Well, I think this question was answered more or less in this chapter, no? The attraction between Lambo and Colonello is an inherently physical one, they hate each other's guts but want to screw each other's brains out. It's a difficult situation for both of them.

**Is Colonello going to eventually fall for Lambo's personality?**  
They're going to learn to tolerate one another for sure, as to whether they actually fall in love is another issue.

**What's the deal with I-Pin, Lambo and Fuuta's room? WHY IS THIS SO CONFUZZLING?11!**  
For those of you who haven't noticed this, _broken-knuckles_ put this in better words than I ever would be able to:

_when colonello called lambo to inform him of training, he ignored it at first and when it rang again i-pin tried to kill him by viciously kicking his wall, but when i-pin told her he was gay they were in the same room? plus lambo was ogling fuuta in his sleep, so are they all sleeping in the same room, or no, or what?_

Do you want the honest truth?

I forgot. I'm a terrible writer.

**How did Colonello get Shamal to treat Lambo?**  
Not gonna lie, Colonello's as big a slut as Lambo will turn out to be. Sexual coercion? Me likey.

**Have Colonello and Reborn ever had a fling?**  
They've never been in a relationship, no.

**WHERE'S THE HIBARI/I-PIN AT?**  
That probably won't appear for a couple of chapters. It's quite minor though and Lambo, as per usual, botches it. It'll continue from then on; I've scrapped my I-Pin/Kawahira idea.

**Was Colonello purposely trying to seduce Lambo as he took off his shirt and poured water all over his chest in the previous chapter?**  
The thing is with this fic, it's all written from Lambo's perspective. In other words, do not always trust the way characters or events are describe in this fic because Lambo is one of the most unreliable narrators out there. He's going to almost always twist things around so they're in his favour.

I still haven't answered your question, huh? Colonello was _not_ trying to seduce Lambo. He was just innocently taking off his shirt, but because Lambo was in denial about his sexuality and extremely horny, he twisted the situation to make it seem like Colonello was forcing him to feel that way.

**Does Lambo prefer Reborn to Colonello?**  
Lambo loves Reborn's company, even though he pretends to despise him. He genuinely hates Colonello. Lambo hasn't realised that Reborn is a sex bomb. Lambo wants to screw Colonello's brains out.

**Will Reborn ever be nice to Lambo?**  
He's going to be _very_ nice to Lambo in the next chapter.

**Does Lambo get with Reborn at the end of this fic?**  
Lambo actually realises he's in love with I-Pin, forms a plan to kill Hibari, actually manages to kill Hibari with a toothpick and a copy of Nylon, and then they go off and have lots of happy heterosexual sex together. (Sorry, I can't actually answer your question.)

**How is Lambo meant to have a relationship with Colonello if Leon wants him dead?**  
Any smexehness between Colonello and Lambo always occurs in private. In other words, Leon and Reborn have no idea until much later on.

**Is Colonello going to screw Lambo first?**  
I haven't actually decided yet, to be honest. IT'S JUST SO HARD.

**Wait, what about Tsuna's proposal? Did it go successfully?**  
Yeah, it did. I was planning to make that clear at the beginning of the next chapter, but what the heck why not throw it in here.

**Why did Colonello and Lambo randomly make out like crazy at the end of this chapter?**  
Well, first of all, Lambo just underwent a life or death situation and Colonello would have been pretty freaked out that he'd killed his student. This story is from Lambo's perspective, so I don't think Lambo would have picked up that Colonello was pretty desperate, given he was unconscious and totally oblivious to the world around him. I think the entire situation took a huge toll on their self control so they were more willing to completely give in to their impulses.

**Love,  
selandora**


	8. 7 : how to shatter worlds with icyhot

**A note from your author who loves you: don't try what Lambo does at home. I can't pay for your hospital bills, I want to go on grad trip.**

* * *

There's this terrible thing called 'delayed realisation'.

It's when you realise that something monumental has happened a stupidly long time after you really should have, and then you dearly wish you could drown yourself in your non-existent bathtub. I say non-existent because we don't have a bathtub, we only have a shower unit that looks like an execution chamber (which I suppose is close enough).

"_Shit_," I swore. "I forgot to ask Vongola how his proposal went."

Looking to my mum's bed opposite me for some form of advice or comfort, I was sorely disappointed. Fuuta's bed was neatly made and there wasn't a single trace of my mother anywhere, he must have decided to stay at the Vongola mansion to finish up some ranking again. Who was meant to console me with stupid and contrived Italian proverbs now?

"How am I meant to relax?" I muttered to myself anxiously. "_Chi bene incomincia a__ è a metà dell'opera_, what is well begun is only half done. What happened if Vongola chickened out and didn't propose to Kyoko in the end?"

The flush of the neighbour's toilet upstairs answered me.

I don't know why, but I'd kind of hoped for something more. Here I was, stupidly talking to myself in the dark and subjecting myself to humiliation-

"_Quella destinata per te, nessuno la prender__à__,_no one will take the one destined for you," a muffled voice through the wall supplied.

I pressed my ear against the wall. "Mum? What are you doing in I-Pin's room?"

"It's me, bastard," I-Pin snapped through the thin wall plaster.

"I-Pin? _Yare, yare_, it sounds like your voice is finally breaking. I was worried mum would have to take you to the doctor and see if your balls were ever going to drop. Where is Fuuta anyways?"

"Probably doing some ranking up at the Vongola Mansion."

"He's always doing ranking up at the Vongola Mansion. Don't you ever wonder if he's not actually ranking? What if he's going out and picking up some hot bitches?"

"Are we talking about the same person?"

"By the way, your Italian pronunciation still sucks shit."

"I was trying to comfort you, asshole."

"Really? Then please continue."

"_Dio li Fa, poi li Accopia_, God makes them, then he mates them."

"Yeah, I guess Vongola and Kyoko are destined to be with each other. They're going to get married sooner or later."

"_L'amore si trova nel tuo cuore non per resarci, ma per essere condiviso, _love is in your heart, not to stay, but to be shared."

"…okay, that one didn't really make much sense to me in terms of the situation Tsuna and Kyoko are in."

"_L'amore mantiene giovanni, _the heart that loves is always young."

"I-Pin, are you just reading Italian love proverbs off the internet?"

"Maybe."

"You're a bitch."

* * *

I arrived at the training grounds before Colonello did.

It was weird; I kept wondering if he was going to jump out of a tree with his gun cocked. (Sexual innuendo not intended, because well. Yeah. Not intended.) He would probably be shirtless, as usual, since the man seemed to think that if he kept his shirt on for more than ten minutes then he would spontaneously combust. Who cared if it was six o' clock in the morning, he was a manly man and manly men stripped half-naked whenever they got the chance. Nobody wanted to see his gleaming, tanned, muscular, bronzen-

Although I was gearing myself for intense gloating as a result of his tardiness, I found the entire situation really strange. Colonello's life was ruled by his anal dedication to his work and I doubt even an army of sumo wrestlers could have kept him away from tutoring. Something must have been really wrong with him. Not that I particularly cared. (Because I didn't.)

Flipping out my shitty silver cell phone, I punched in his number and waited for him to pick up.

_Ring. Ring. Ring. _

I hung up. Then I tried again.

_Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring-_

"_Hello_?" a voice that had once been Colonello's answered finally. While his voice had once had a husky quality that some women would call sexy, it now sounded like someone had auto-tuned a car continuously running over a cat.

"Where are you?"

"_Is this Lambo, _kora_?"_

"Well, yeah. Who else would be calling you this stupidly early in the morning?"

"_Right._"

And then an incredibly awkward silence fell. I don't even know why it happened, but it was enough to make me want to down a bottle of bleach.

"…so are you coming today, or can I just go home?"

"_I'm on my way. Just stay there, _kora."

There was a dull click as he promptly hung up, leaving me to stare at my scratched phone monitor in disbelief. What the hell was wrong with him? Was he sick or something?

A few moments passed.

Then the wind began to whip about my face in painful lashes as a horrible ripping tore through the morning silence, punctuated by slow, deliberate beats. I tried to turn, but the wind was too strong and I blinked upwards through blurry eyes. It looked as though a massive white meteorite was hurtling towards the earth, and more specifically, me.

I began, "What the-"

I was smashed across the training grounds by what felt like the Titanic and my world swirled into watercolours. There was a ferocious and jarring animalistic screech that nearly destroyed my ear drums and miniature tornadoes began to buffet me backwards. I struggled to rise only to be forced back down again by foot long talons. Slitted icy eyes glared at me, the tip of a razor sharp beak glinting in the early sunlight.

I was about to be raped by a massive white bird.

"Okay look," I stuttered, "I'm not against interracial breeding but I have to draw the line at bestiality-"

The monster of a bird screeched.

"-**okay**, I'm open to the idea-"

"_Falco_," Colonello's low, fatigued voice filled the training ground, causing both me and the ridiculous bird to freeze.

Then the bird's beak lashed forwards, determined to gouge out my left eyeball. I screamed a manly scream and most certainly did not feel any desire to pee my pants.

When a blinding pain did not rip through my skull, I bravely opened one eyelid. I stared in horror as the bird pressed its forehead up against mine, its beady black eye sizing me up, and the stench of sweaty mutant overwhelmed my senses.

There was a soft thump as Colonello slid sluggishly from the monster's back and dragged himself over to the picnic table, sliding onto it in a jelly-like manner. He didn't even notice when his legendary Maximum Burst rifle slipped from his shoulder and fell to the grassy floor. The mammoth bird thing then suddenly straightened up and _trotted_ towards Colonello, picking up his rifle in its beak like a fucking fetch toy, and it deposited it on the table before him.

I stared at Colonello in disbelief. "Aren't you at all worried that you're standing next to a genocide waiting to happen?"

"Falco? Falco's harmless, _kora_," Colonello said dismissively.

Falco raked his claws through the grassy ground, leaving painful foot deep gashes in the dirt. Then he gave me the evil eye.

"…most of the time," he added.

"You own that thing?" I blurted, louder than even I'd anticipated.

He winced and muttered, "Yes, _kora_. He normally just flies around above me, but he was insistent on coming with me today."

There were perfect black circles under his eyes that would make the manliest of pandas cry and his keen sapphire eyes were anything but. I raised an eyebrow in complete disbelief, and then it hit me.

"…are you hungover?" I questioned.

Colonello's eyes finally met mine for a split second and I saw an emotion dart out from the depths of his irises. It gripped me around my heart in a way that wasn't entirely unpleasant and I felt a dull warmth spread through my stomach as my mind drifted back to my near drowning. The feeling died immediately when Falco glared at me, like he knew exactly what I was thinking about.

Instead of answering my question, Colonello rose to his feet. "Run through your exercises, starting with the stretches I taught you last time."

Compared to the freakish attention he had previously lavished on me, when he would correct even the slightest mistake and make sure my arms were at forty five degree angles and not at fifty, he was stunningly indifferent today. It seemed like he was going out of his way not to look at me, or touch me, or even so much as acknowledge my existence. He just went off and patted his stupid bird.

And I was pissed. I'd actually bothered practicing the exercises and he wasn't even fucking interested. What the hell was I paying him for?

After half an hour like this, I'd had enough. I rounded on him, "Are you going to man up and get over your hangover, or should I just go home?"

Colonello's eyes met mine and he didn't react quite as quickly as he normally would. "What?"

I snapped irritably, "You're not doing anything. You're just sitting there and molesting your oversized pigeon. Are we at least going to spar today?"

"_No_," he said quickly. Too quickly. He seemed to realise his mistake, because he then took in a deep breath and said, "You're still limping, _kora_. If we push you too hard today, it might permanently damage your leg."

I could tell from the look on his face he knew that even I could have come up with a more believable excuse. My ankle was fine and had been for the past few days, I wasn't limping at all. He was really acting up, and while I hated it when he was organised and proper, he was a damn sight more frustrating when he was disorganised and pathetic like this.

"Put this on your ankle, _kora_," he told me, and a flat cylindrical tin soared towards me. I caught it and stared down at the lid in confusion. "Then you can go home."

"What is it?" I asked, eyeing it suspiciously.

"It'll help."

Silence fell between us. Well, if it meant I'd be able to leave this painfully awkward training session, I was more than willing to follow his demands. I cracked open the tin and the nostril numbing smell of menthol permeated the air, causing me to gag slightly. A goopy mixture the consistency of Vaseline glimmered in the early sunlight and I scooped some onto my fingertip.

With a sigh, I plopped myself down on the ground and crossed my legs so I could better access my ankle. I began to rub the strange salve into my skin and after a few moments, my ankle began to prickle with warmth and cool simultaneously. It was incredibly relaxing and I was half tempted to slather it all over my body and flop down on the grass for a nap.

I glanced down at the tin appreciatively. "What is this shit? It's brilliant."

"It's called Icy-Hot."

The heat began to climb the length of my leg, licking its way higher and higher as chilled fingertips ghosted over its path. "Oh, God."

I could feel Colonello's stare against my neck, burning, burning. He asked in a low voice that sent me back to riverside and his skin, wet skin. "What is it, _kora_?"

I gasped, "It feels so good. _Shit_, it feels amazing-"

And then I felt his fingers in my hair, each digit smoothing against my scalp and slowly curling the black tendrils around them. Then he pulled ever so slightly and the mixture of pleasure and pain set off little sparks in my veins, inciting a loud, almost comical gasp from me. Some part of me wanted to take it back because things were definitely getting out of hand, but then he _pulled my hair again_ and I drowned my self-control in a river of lust.

I let him lead my head to the left and felt his warm breath on my Adams apple. I swallowed, waiting in anticipation for him to press his lips against my neck and draw masterpieces across it with his tongue, but he just kept his mouth that slightest fraction away from my skin. It took everything I had not to yank him down and snog the bejeesus out of him.

Then something slid against my neck, but it wasn't his tongue. They were his fingers and he was dragging them tantalizingly slowly over my skin. I could feel the hard calluses and the scalding freeze of the Icy-Hot in the practiced patterns he charted across my neck, I closed my eyes and my breaths came hard as I parted my mouth for air. My head fell backwards as my throat seared with heat, leading me to stare upwards into his dizzying overcast eyes.

And then he kissed me.

I reached a hand up instinctively as his tongue traced the back of my teeth, the top of my mouth, and I felt the rough beginnings of stubble drag across my fingertips. His hand fisted in my hair and he pulled ever so slightly, causing me to moan long and deep into him.

I felt his smirk against my lips, and then he pulled away. He noted, "I didn't think you'd be one for hair-pulling."

"I didn't think you'd be one for paedophilia," I retorted, without really thinking.

And if the sensual mood had been a metaphorical kitten, I had just picked it up and thrown it into a meat grinder.

He let go of me instantaneously. In the space of just a couple of seconds, he put universes of space between us.

"_Yare, yare. _I didn't mean that, you know. I mean, I don't mind," I blabbered.

"We should just forget any of this ever happened, _kora_," Colonello said.

"What? No! I'm still hard! That's probably one of the sexiest things that's ever happened to me," I blurted.

There was a long pause.

Then in a very strained voice, Colonello managed, "You- just go home."

* * *

An hour later outside Reborn's apartment, things weren't going so well.

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

_Click._

"Reborn?" – _gasp_hiss**inhale **- "Are you there?"

"_What do you want, cow?"_

"I think I- think I need help."

"_Go ask someone else._"

"Reborn, please. Reborn, I'm- I'm-"

I pressed my forehead against the icy cold metal of the code box, my mind pulsating painfully in time with my burning cock and ass. I was so hard it actually physically hurt me, but it felt like my dick had been sealed in a vacuum of hellfire while my ass was continually raped by a lightning bolt. I could barely keep myself upright and had to lean against the wall for support. Sweat had soaked through my clothes, my nipples were hard against the semi-transparent white fabric and my breaths came in laboured gasps, in and out.

My mind was spinning. My head lolled dangerously to the side, smashing my cheek into the code box and punching in a random series of numbers. I moaned hoarsely, "Help me."

There was silence on the other end. Reborn had hung up.

The only person who could potentially save me had deserted me. Colonello's stupid Icy Hot remedy was going to scorch my cock and ass to a cinder. I was going to die. I couldn't take it anymore, my knees gave way and my elbows knocked loudly against the cement. I didn't even feel the pain as the skin grated clean off my elbows, all I could think was _oh god make it stop, make it stop make it stop make it stop-_

"_God_," I moaned, my hand reaching down to rub against my crotch through the thin fabric. I jolted as a wave of pleasure and pain shot straight through my system, I spastically removed my hand. It felt as though I had been scalded.

Gritting my teeth, I reached down to try again. I didn't care that I was out in the open, slumped over on the floor in my archenemy's complex entrance and attempting to beat off. My life was on the line and I was so pained and horny, I could have been on the Spanish Steps at the height of tourist season and still done exactly the same thing. I trembled, squeezing my eyes shut as I torturously palmed my crotch in tiny circles, illegible noises escaping my tightly set jaw.

Then I was yanked up so quickly that I cried out, lashing forwards to steady myself. There were rough hands on my waist, hands that were so cool against my skin, hands that I wanted wrapped around me and in me.

"What the hell are you doing?" Reborn's velvet voice was sensual against my cheek- I was so out of it that I hardly picked up on the note of anger leaking through his usual composure.

I pressed back against him and his thigh accidentally brushed against my tight, puckered hole through my pants. Stars exploded into vision as my muscles instinctively clenched, pleasure temporarily overriding the pain. I couldn't hold back my voice and let out a loud moan, but then one of Reborn's hands, his rough gunman hands covered my mouth and the calluses pressed against my lips.

Without thinking twice, I swept my tongue over his palm. Reborn's grip on my waist tightened and I began to grind myself against his thigh, moaning into his hand as I sucked and licked at his fingers mindlessly. I wanted them in me, I wanted them pounding into my ass and wrapped around my cock, I wanted them covered in cold lube and then in cum, I wanted them-

Reborn cursed and pulled me into his apartment building.

He had to half drag me, half carry me towards the lift lobby. I hardly remembered what anything looked like, it didn't dawn on me that I had finally breached his evil lair after fruitless attempt after fruitless attempt. I couldn't even see straight anymore, the agony and the lust had overtaken all of my senses and all I could think and feel was **Reborn**, his body against my body, **Reborn**, his low voice in my ear, **Reborn**.

"_Shit_," I groaned, "God it hurts, it hurts and I'm so hard, Reborn."

"Cow, shut up," he ordered me.

What I didn't realise then was that one of his neighbours was standing awkwardly in the lift with us.

Reborn was propping me up against himself, his eyes pointedly avoiding those of the catholic school girl beside him. They were glued to the row of illuminated numbers above the lift doors, watching as we climbed higher and higher. His grip slackened on me slightly and I slid against his leg, the friction against my asshole was too much.

And I screamed.

He slammed his hand against my mouth so hard that my brain rattled. I continued screaming into his palm as he readjusted me and his neighbour's face whitened, her hands fisted tightly at her sides. Her fingers instinctively latched onto her metal crucifix, as though it would ward away the hormonal teenage homosexual beside her.

Some deity must have been listening to her desperate prayers, because the lift pinged open. Reborn all but threw me out of the open doors. I curled up into a ball as the cold floor came into contact with my hot dick and I bit into the flesh of my lip viciously to distract from the painful contrast. The doors shut again behind him and he stepped over me.

"Get up," he told me curtly.

I pressed my sweaty face into the cool floor. "Can't- can't move-"

My world lurched dangerously as I was swung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and I fisted the fabric of his jacket as my hard as marble dick was smashed against his collarbone. With every step he took, my entire body jolted against him.

Reborn demanded, "What did you do?"

"N-nothing."

"If you don't tell me what you did, I won't be able to help you. Do you want to continue suffering like this?"

"**No!**" I shouted immediately, fear spiking within me.

"Then tell me."

A key grated in a lock. We were entering Reborn's apartment.

My voice was ragged. "Colonello…Colonello…"

"Colonello did this to you?" he interrogated me sharply.

"No…no," I choked out, close to tears. "He gave me something, he gave me Icy Hot and I used lots of it to jerk off and finger myself and now my dick is going to fucking fall off and I'm going to die_-_"

My back came into contact with something soft, a mattress. I hardly knew where I was. I choked back a scream as my body was wracked with tremors, and then there were cold fingers at the base of my throat undoing the first of my shirt buttons. Reborn was undressing me and my hands reached up, whether to stop him or to help him I hardly knew, but he easily forced them away. I gasped greedily as chill air slapped me across my chest and then Reborn's fingers were at my fly, yanking my pants and boxers down.

The cloth dragged across my sensitive flesh. "Nnhgh!"

I tossed my head against the mattress wildly as my length sprung to attention. I thrust my hips upwards as the cold air swallowed it whole, but then Reborn pulled me to my feet and pulled me into the bathroom. I hardly remembered getting into the tub. My muscles tensed and then relaxed, tensed and then relaxed as the squeak of a faucet penetrated my dizzy state of euphoria.

Then an icy jet of water struck my cock.

I shouted in agony, flinching away from the water. It felt like someone was driving a thousand needles into my ass and my length at the same time, the torture was so intense that I began to feel nauseous. A dry sob escaped my throat as I tried to endure the pain, smashing myself against the side of the bathtub in a feeble attempt to escape the shower.

"Stop!" I yelled at Reborn, "Fuck, stop it, it fucking hurts you bastard!"

My eyes were watering now and I slammed the heels of my palms into my eyes to keep tears from leaking out. My body shook uncontrollably and I could taste the blood in my mouth as my teeth punctured my bottom lip.

I was lifted out of the bathtub, wet, naked, pained and horny as hell. His lips brushed against the edge of my eyebrow. He murmured my name, "Lambo."

Instinctively, my arms locked around his neck. He lowered me to the bed and as he tried to draw back from me, I yanked him down again. I grabbed his hands, his fingers with the calluses and the tough finger pads, and guided them downwards.

I closed his fingers around my cock. "Reborn, please."

There wasn't even a split second of hesitation.

I balled the bedsheets in my hands as his hand slide along my length, up and down, up and down, up and down. My vision was going and I was moaning helplessly as the pleasure lanced through me, building and building to my release.

I needed friction against the walls of my tight, searing hole, so I tried to slip my middle finger inside my ass. It was too tight though, I couldn't fit it past my first knuckle and I groaned in frustration. Reborn's thumb dragged against my cum slit and I shouted, bucking upwards at the tidal wave of ecstasy that overcame me, and he pulled my finger out of me.

Then, he was no longer touching me.

And to be honest, I did plead and beg and scream for him to come back like a slut, swearing at him to finish what he'd fucking started. I hardly heard the soft pop of a plastic cap, nor the squirt of gel as it was forced from its tube.

Reborn's lube-drenched finger began to enter me. It was so cold against my ass cheeks and I moaned, spreading myself for him so he could manoeuvre himself better. I glanced down dizzily, seeing the painfully pink tip of my cock, dripping with pre-come. I watched transfixed as his finger sank knuckle by knuckle into my ass, the slight pain dissipating into the back of my mind.

And then he was in.

"More," I groaned, "More, more fingers."

I kissed Reborn passionately as he pushed a second finger into me, stretching my ass around him. His free hand wrapped around my dick, beginning to pump in time to his deep thrusts. My tongue fucked Reborn's shamelessly as I rocked myself against him, moaning and gasping for breath.

I was getting close. It felt like someone had wound me up so tightly that at any minute, I was going to explode into ribbons of white cum. I tore my mouth away from his and he pressed his forehead against mine, my eyes slid shut as his warm breath stroked my cheeks.

"Reborn," I gasped against him, "I can't, I'm going to-"

And then I came. All over his hand.

Jacking off was nothing compared to this. Jacking off was like winning a school sports competition, a fully-fledged handjob from Reborn himself was like stealing the Olympic torch and getting away with it. I watched breathlessly as he sat up, his slender hand streaked with cum, and then I noticed the unmistakable bulge in his pants. And what a bulge it was.

Without warning, my cock sprang to attention.

Reborn didn't even look at me. "You're hard again?"

"Y-yeah. I don't think the Icy Hot's worn off yet," I struggled for words, mainly because there was a _bulge_ in his _pants_.

"Go home and sort it out yourself, cow," Reborn ground out as he yanked a tissue from his bedside table stash and began cleaning his hand.

I made what may have been the boldest and the most idiotic decision of my seventeen years of age. I crawled over to sit beside Reborn on the edge of the bed, my hands clasped and dangling awkwardly between my knees.

I ventured nervously, "Do you want to – um – fuck me? I don't mind, you know."

The tissue in Reborn's hand tore loudly. A heavy silence fell. Neither of us moved.

(bulgebulgeBULGEBULGE)

Reborn's voice was strained. "Cow."

"Yeah?"

"Get out."

* * *

**Next Chapter Preview : use your dying will**

"Let's talk about us, _kora_."

…

"I think Reborn broke me."

…

"Yamamoto isn't here, so just hurry up and ask me whatever you want to know."

"Er, I don't think that's such a good idea-"

"**Say it**."

"…how do two men have sex?"

* * *

**You know the drill. If you drop me comments/questions in your reviews, I'll reply to them here. There are going to be a lot of questions this time because I've been gone for a while, so don't be hating if this ends up being longer than the chapter.**

**Where you been, bitch?  
**Um, I haven't actually been writing that much recently (as you may have noticed). I was swamped by all this shit, university applications, shows, school work so I didn't have much time to write. But you know what, it's all paid off because I MADE MY UNIVERSITY DECISIONS. YEAH.

**What? You already chose your university?  
**Yes! I've accepted a conditional offer to the University of Warwick's English Literature and Creative Writing undergraduate degree programme, so if I get AAA for my A Levels and you happen to go to Warwick, LET'S TOTALLY PARTY YEAH. If I somehow mess that up and you go to Aberystwyth, THEN LET'S TOTALLY PARTY TOO YEAH.

**Going back to this chapter- WHOA. SUDDEN SEXUAL OVERLOAD IN THIS CHAPTER.  
**Yeah. Everything just kind of exploded. Lambo and Colonello are just stupid sluts that can't keep it in their pants. Reborn's just been suppressing feelings for a while. Anyways, this chapter's a huge contrast to all the one's that have come before and is also one of the most sexual things I have published to date. I'm burning bridges, y'all. Pure innocent writing, BEGONE FOREVER.

**Where the fuuu is Fuuta?  
**(Haha, see what I did there?) Fuuta's going to get his character depth soon. I actually like him a lot.

**Why was Colonello hung over?  
**This is something I don't plan to explain in the story, so I might as well explain it here. I was sort of going for the implication that he'd drunk himself silly after snogging Lambo at the bridge because he was so confused and guilty, but to be honest, rereading it again I don't think even I would have figured that out.

**Colonello's acting really jittery around Lambo, huh?  
**Colonello's a character that would have no problem screwing men his own age, but he's omega conflicted at the moment because Lambo's so young and he's technically his student. So he's just as (if not more confused) than Lambo about how things should proceed if they should at all, since he hates Lambo's guts but seems to lust after him at the same time.

**Does Icy-Hot actually exist?  
**Yes it does. I was actually inspired to write this after I heard a story about a guy who used it the same way Lambo does and was actually sent to hospital. SO LIKE I SAID DON'T TRY IT AT HOME.

**It kind of feels like Lambo's turned the tables on Colonello and Reborn.  
**Yeah and I wanted it to be super ironic in that he doesn't realise that he's accidentally seducing them. I guess this fic is sort of a sexual discovery not just for Lambo, but for Colonello and Reborn too. (Especially as the story progresses…)

**WAIT. DOES THIS MEAN THAT HOT SEX IS COMING UP NEXT?  
**A full blown lemon is going to be a couple of chapters, girl. Colonello and Reborn are still freaking the fuck out over what just happened. They need time to cool their heads.

**Are Reborn and Colonello competing for Lambo's sex/love/a relationship with him?  
**Neither of them are aware of each other's interest in our favourite cow, so not at the moment. If there is competition, it isn't going to be a huge dramatic angsty push and pull one. Neither Reborn, Colonello or Lambo are interested in having a steady a relationship. At the moment, Lambo wants to sleep with everyone.

**Is this story planning to become straight L56 or RL, or is it going to be RL56?  
**Woot, time to bring out the codes. (if you're like me and struggled at first with the numbers/letters; R is Reborn, L is Lambo and 56 is colonello). I'm honestly leaning towards RL56, but we'll see.

**Will there be a threesome between Reborn, Lambo and Colonello?  
**I'm considering it.

**Have Reborn and Colonello ever had sex together?  
**They might do.

**How did you come up with the idea for L56?  
**It's been floating around there for a while, maybe not as fan fiction, but definitely in doujinshi. If you want to read L56 doujinshi you should check out Roman Holiday and The Nightmare Before Christmas. Roman Holiday is actually what inspired me to write ahoshi!, so go blame Kanegae Showko for that. Gosh, and that insert attached to it? Hooly.

**Why does Colonello look out for Lambo so much?  
**I would like to say that he does it because he _luuurves_ Lambo, but that's not the case. Colonello is actually just a really nice guy who takes his job as a teacher seriously. He saw Lambo as this stupid arrogant kid for a while who needed looking after, but after the bridge incident, everything's been flipped on its head for him and maybe his reasons for looking out for Lambo are beginning to change.

**Will 7 year old Lambo make an appearance?  
**Um, I hadn't actually thought about that at all but now that you mention it, 7 year old Lambo is very important to Lambo's character. (Doh. Stupid author.) AHAHAHA actually that would be brilliant, I could totally screw with Reborn and Colonello's heads.

**This is pretty serious for erotica.  
**I read this in a review and laughed so hard. I totally didn't realise until I read this comment that ahoshi! is erotica. You'd think I would have figured that out, but it honestly just hit me. THIS IS SO BIZARRE BUT I LOVE IT AND I WILL EMBRACE THE EROTICA WORLD ARMED WITH A SHITTY LAPTOP AND GALLONS OF MILK WITH HONEY.

**Is Reborn confiding in Leon?  
**I don't think Reborn ever actually talks to Leon and confides in him. Even in the anime, Leon just seems to instinctively know what Reborn wants or is feeling. Leon's just puts puzzle pieces together and is super in tune with Reborn- he's basically the only thing in the world that can read Reborn like a book.

**Is Leon gay?  
**Well, that's something I never thought anyone would ask. I think that really would be pushing it, I love yaoi as much as the next person but I don't want to gaywash the entire series. Leon and Falco definitely interact later on, but not in a homoerotic way.

**Is Leon the embodiment of Reborn's emotions?  
**This is a little difficult to answer. Leon loves Reborn to pieces, so if he feels anything is getting in the way of what he thinks is the best way forwards for Reborn (ie. A relationship with Lambo) he will fight tooth and nail for it (ie. Take every chance he can to attack Colonello). I guess Reborn's thoughts and feelings become clearer through Leon's interactions with Lambo and reactions to the action, but I never set out to have him externalise Reborn's emotions. I kind of feel that simply using him to embody Reborn's inner thoughts and feelings would make him a flatter character.

**Why did Reborn seem angry when he thought Lambo and Colonello were sleeping together?  
**He wasn't so much jealous as he was angry that Colonello was taking advantage of Lambo. Reborn is actually secretly protective of Lambo because he does genuinely like the kid.

**When are there going to be more sexy scenes for Reborn and Lambo?  
**Well, there's one here. (Yay.) Reborn's also going to start teaching Lambo in the next chapter, so that'll start up a lot more sexiness between them especially everything was sparked off here. I'm treating Reborn and Lambo's relationship very differently from Lambo's one with Colonello though, it's going to be a lot gentler and less BAMBAMBAM SEX SEX SEX if that makes any sense.

**Why is Hibari the mist guardian? Isn't he the cloud guardian?  
**OH GOD THAT'S A TERRIBLE MISTAKE, Imma just go back and fix that up. Please point out my stupidities to me so I can fix them or just explain them away. I wish I was perfect but I'm not. Zachary Levi is.

**What exactly was Hibari doing at Tiffany's?  
**Hibari went ahead to pay for the ring because Tsuna asked him to and to pass it onto couldn't have paid for the ring because he didn't have the funds and quite frankly, I wouldn't have trusted him with any amount of money. I initially wanted to go cracktastic and actually have Hibari work at Tiffany's because I think he'd suit the whole upper class snob atmosphere of the place, but realised that was pushing it so I changed it.

**Is Lambo on drugs and radiating them out of your cow horns, or are you?  
**THERE ARE INSECTS UNDER MY SKIN GET THEM OUT GET THEM OUT GET THEM OUT-

_love selandora._


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